‘Wash U Admirers’: Suggestions for the lovelorn of Facebook

Eliana Goldstein

My name is Eliana Goldstein, and I’m an “Admirers”-aholic. That’s right, I’m straight addicted to “Wash U Admirers.” And anyone who isn’t probably should be because that page is hysterical. But let’s be real, y’all—it can get a little monotonous, what with all the “hot damn” and “have my babies” and “to the girl with the chestnut/blonde/black/auburn hair…”

Come on, guys. We have the most creative students in the country, according to a December 2013 report by ViewsOnYou, so we can definitely step up the level of our anonymous creeping. With that in mind, I have compiled some suggestions for how to best admire your secret crush this Valentine’s Day.

The Literary Reference

This is Wash. U., people. Comparisons to famous literary romances are not only understood, they’re appreciated and even encouraged. Is your beau the Lysander to your Hermia? Is that lovely lady you have your eye on in Russian Literature the Sonya to your Raskolnikov? Let your geek flag fly, pull some quotes and get your romance novel on with an anonymous, swoon-worthy comparison.

The Chemistry/Biology Joke

Odds are pretty good that your amour either currently is or, at some point in his or her time here, was (or will be) a pre-medical school student. Capitalize upon that with a suave joke about molecular bonding. Extra points if you can use a word that has more than five syllables or one that only people who have taken Bio 2960 would know.

The Pun

Do you know your soon-to-be love’s name? Good. Pun upon it. Pun upon (upun?) how you met. Pun pun pun. Wordplay and foreplay are, after all, only one syllable different from each other. Bonus for bear puns because, well, you know.

The Foreign Language

Do you know what language your lady or gent takes? Good! Break out Google Translate and that one friend who somehow speaks eight languages proficiently and get wooing. I’ve never seen an “Admirers” post in a foreign language, so you could be making history with this one.

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