Calvary Fisher | Student Life

I don’t even know what made me Google “what happens when you juice cleanse.” I’m going to assume it was one of those random moments of curiosity that conveniently strikes when it’s 2 a.m. and you don’t want to finish your Victorian Literature paper just yet.

The Internet is somewhat helpful: I learn that one of the main goals behind “juicing” diets is to detox your body, according to TheJuicingClub.com. The site also says that “juicing is fun for children.” I pause from my research to say a prayer for every kid named Juniper or Finley or something who has been forced to drink kale-carrot-pepper juice as a “snack.”

While there are juice cleanses that don’t require you to abstain from eating food, the general idea behind “juicing” is that you only drink the juice for a certain period of time. From this, you would ideally feel healthier. Your skin would be brighter, and you’d lose weight. Juice cleanse regimens range in price and can go for as much as hundred of dollars.

Now, don’t take me as an anti-juicer. I can understand why you’d drink juice. I think juice is good. I like drinking juice when I am too lazy to chew fruits and vegetables. But there’s a part of me that just…doesn’t get this trend. Maybe it’s my hostility toward being health-conscious (you know what’s good as hell? A McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish), or maybe it’s my background. My Indian immigrant mother would, like, metaphorically slap me upside the head for spending hundreds of dollars on a bottle of Tropicana orange juice with a little cayenne pepper mixed into it.

I am not an anti-juicer, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not a hater. In response to the juice cleanse, here’s a list of “juice cleanses” that I thought of while simmering in a petty stupor.

1. Apple juice

Main ingredients: apple water (that’s basically what apple juice is, right?)
Great if you’re in the mood for…sticking to the classics.
Drink this for a week and…you will magically “Benjamin Button” yourself into a kindergartener. Remember when you were tiny enough to go down a slide on the playground and actually think it was fun?

2. Ice cream juice

Main ingredients: A bowl of melted ice cream
Great if you’re in the mood for…exploring the nuances of milk-turned-ice-cream-turned-fatty-sugary-milk, all for the sake of knowledge. Also, “ice cream juice” is both a gross and fun thing to say.
Drink this for a week and…you’ll wonder why you didn’t just make a milkshake instead.

3. Meat juice

Main ingredients: the drippy runoff from a slab of raw meat
Great if you’re in the mood for…remembering why you’re a vegetarian.
Drink this for a week and…you’ll get salmonella poisoning, but hey, you have to experience everything once.

4. Bean juice

Main ingredients: Coffee
Great if you’re in the mood for…being so awake that you don’t even shut your eyelids, even though no one is stopping you from doing so.
Drink this for a week and…you will be so, so, so caffeinated that you will be ready to fight someone if they stare at you for too long. Also, your poop will never be normal again!

5. Straight-up ketchup juice

Main ingredients: Organic tomatoes and organic sodium
Great if you’re in the mood for…being too embarrassed to purchase a V8.
Drink this for a week and…call Heinz to ask for a sponsorship deal because you are a champion of the people.

6. Hydrogen peroxide with a bendy straw juice

Main ingredients: Hydrogen peroxide and a straw
Great if you’re in the mood for…taking a photo of the brown plastic bottle with a straw in it and turning it into a decent meme relating to nihilism but then NOT drinking it. I REPEAT: STUDENT LIFE DOES NOT ENDORSE DRINKING HYDROGEN PEROXIDE.
Drink this for a week and…PLEASE DO NOT ACTUALLY DRINK THIS. Instead, pour some over your toothbrush to disinfect it while you wait for your meme to go viral.

On second thought, maybe just stick to the Jamba Juice in Cafe Bergson.