For over 20 years, the Sexy Fisherman has been guiding people toward finding solutions to common issues, romantic or otherwise. The Sexy Fisherman is a human-ish counselor with an established practice in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Read the Sexy Fisherman’s advice to common problems and seek the support and kindfish you deserve.

Am I crossing any lines by flirting with my girlfriend’s sister?

-@horselover313

Horse lover,

My favorite meal is swordfish with a side of crabmeat. Then another side of squid and then another side of fish eggs and eel and then another side of salmon, some tilapia and three shrimp on a lobster roll and also, three shavings of anchovies sprinkled on a full head of iceberg lettuce for health reasons I can’t divulge at the moment. I could eat swordfish for the rest of my life but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to eat the sides too. But here’s the deal, lover. Stay consensual. Don’t take a bite out of that swordfish—eat a bite of crabmeat and expect that piece of fin stuck in your teeth not to notice. Honesty is the second-best policy next to diving for crayfish in the dark.

-The Sexy Fisherman

She’s making the first move and I don’t know what to do, help!

-@scaredandconfused

Scared and confused,

Most days you expect to catch the fish, but sometimes the fish jumps out of the water and catches you first. You eat it anyway, but still.

-The Sexy Fisherman

Is floorcest an option?

-@barnacleboy

Barnacle boy,

Only on the ocean floor.

-The Sexy Fisherman

What’s a good way to spice up my relationship?

-@octocrush

Octocrush,

Here’s a sexy game. Tell your partner that you’re going to take them rowing in Central Park. Then, get the two of you shipwrecked on an uncharted island. Grow to resent and hate each other, and then spend the rest of your nights alone.

-The Sexy Fisherman

Need advice from The Sexy Fisherman? Email your questions to [email protected] or [email protected].