Washington University suspends all Greek activities
Washington University Campus Life called for the temporary suspensions on any organization with Greek letters and placed the Department of Classics on probation Friday.
The suspension extends to all the fraternities, sororities, pre-professional organizations, service organizations and academic honoraries.
These actions follow months of Campus Life implementing new policies and cracking down on severe hazing activities.
“We’ve had Campus Life associates deep undercover in each of Wash. U.’s fraternities for the past six months. Some have of course fared better than others,” Director of Campus Life Houston Sandlot-Sweetie said. “What they found astounded and horrified us; you wouldn’t believe what some of these kids are capable of. I’m talking about students running around with fanny packs, ordering strippers and zipping around on Lime scooters to do God knows what.”
Initially, Campus Life focused their investigation solely on fraternities, but soon expanded it to any organization with Greek Letters with respect to a “better safe than sorry” policy.
“We already knew the pre-professional fraternities were up to activities even more dangerous than those perpetrated by standard fraternities, so we decided to turn our attention to sororities, service organizations and academic honoraries as well in order to ensure the safety of our Wash. U. community,” Sandlot-Sweetie said.
Under the suspension, members of these Greek organizations will have to pause all new member processes, and will be unable to plan or participate in social functions. Further, they must undergo weekly mandatory five-hour reflective meditations.
Various members of the University’s Greek Life community have responded to the suspensions.
“I understand the severity of hazing implications, but it does seem like a bit much,” some fraternity member who surprisingly didn’t decline to comment said.
“I already know of five parties that are still happening this weekend,” a frat guy who didn’t know what “on the record” meant said. “We have to cope with our problems some way, and drinking until we forget them and make even poorer decisions is our signature style. Campus Life can’t change that.”
“I’d like to know where they think we’re getting that five hours for mandatory meditation from. That’s already my allotted amount of sleep for this week,” some poor sleep-deprived student said.
Campus Life has, however, faced backlash on their decision to put Washington University’s Department of Classics on probation.
“I can understand people’s confusion, but our decision is firm. We feel that the Classics Department has a negative influence on the student body with their discourse on gods and goddesses and archaic rituals,” Sandlot-Sweetie said. “The number of ritual sacrifices we’ve seen has increased dramatically.”