A doomsday bucket list

Friends of Forum, it’s been fun. If mistranslated Mayan calendars are to be believed, the End of Days is nigh. We’ve stockpiled canned foods and twinkies in the StudLife office, along with lead aprons from the med school radiology department and plenty of second amendment guaranteed hand-cannons to discourage zombie assaults. But for all you readers unlucky enough to be bunker-less, here’s a list of suggestions for your final days.

1. Get to the top of Brookings

“Easier said than done” or “where are the stairs” are excuses for the unprepared. The REI in Brentwood sells climbing ropes, carabiners, chalk bags and ice picks. Just charge it to your Mastercard—no one’s going to be around to demand payment.

2. Discover all of the secret tunnels

Some of the pipes in the older maintenance ways are allegedly lined with asbestos and lead. For once, those things might save your life.

3. Bowl at the Chancellor’s house

Invite yourself into Mark’s (after the apocalypse, everyone is on a first name basis) crib as he and his wife adjust to the idea of the world to come, which may or may not but probably ought to have glow sticks (credit moise). Their privacy comes second to your need to bowl a perfect game.

4. Get a hug from every BD staff member

Those that stick around are the ones who love you most.

5. Get married in Graham Chapel

Anyone can be a minister these days, thanks to the Internet. Among the Student Life staff, we have one bishop of the Church of Tomorrow-Day Good Guys, four wizards of the United Congregation of Reptaur, and one Lord Xenu of Scientology.

6. Take a shower in the DUC

Seriously, try this. It doesn’t even need to be the end of the world. The water pressure is sublime.

7. Attend a Wash. U. athletic event

Hints: We’re called “the Bears” and our colors are red and green. The more points we have, the better, except in golf and cross country.

8. Go to the observatory

Get a better view than anyone else of the lunar crash into the Arch. Maybe it’ll drop a Moon’s Tear, or you’ll see a masked imp dance atop the Med School.

9. Get drunk on sangria at Ibby’s

It’ll be awkward to be there with the dipsomaniacs who are ignorant of their demise, but that’s hardly important at the moment. Another chorus of “Piano Man,” anyone?

10. Spend a day without getting kicked off of WUFI-S

Just kidding.

11. Have sex in each of these places.

Because why the hell not?

It’s been fun, everyone. See you on the other side.


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