With the status of a new bar and grill on the Washington University campus up in the air, the space in the Umrath Hall basement remains vacant. With no clear replacement for past tenants Subway and the Umrathskeller, we took it upon ourselves to come up with a responsible, pragmatic and fiscally conservative replacement. Unfortunately, we couldn’t reach consensus on just what to put in the basement. So instead, we combined our ideas into a comprehensive list of options for the Umrath basement.

A gigantic ball pit

If you’ve ever seen xkcd.com, you know that we need no justification for this. Plus, all college students need to channel their inner 8-year olds somehow. Stress relief, anyone?

Cigar lounge

So apparently there’s a smoking ban on campus, but who really cares? (Note: we’re joking.) A cigar lounge strikes us as a classy means of encouraging more professor/student mingling, an area in which we genuinely feel our campus is lacking.

An aquarium

An aquarium would offer us the opportunity to see amazing live fish…and sharks…and octopi. It would also open up jobs for budding student marine biologists. Win-win situation? We think so.

Strip club

With both male and female performers, of course. A strip club might be controversial, but it would certainly be used.Plus, a proposal to bring it to campus would give Student Union Senate something besides Bristol and room reservations to talk about.

A lounge

For students who want to gag every time they walk into the pit of orange that is the Fun Room and are sick of sitting in Whispers amid conversation about how stressed out everyone is, the Umrath basement could offer an actual hangout space on campus. A few couches and a stage for live music or poetry could go a long way.

Grad student offices

A basement with windows is better than a basement without them, so why not move some graduate student offices into Umrath?

Dorms

Umrath Hall was the original dormitory on campus. Adding rooms to the basement would offer a much cheaper option than building another new residence hall. With a three-minute walk to class and a one-minute walk to the DUC, it’s prime real estate.

A multi-purpose room

ResLife doesn’t own the space, so student groups could meet there free of charge. (What?)

Arcade

Wash. U. is filled to the brim with video game addicts in search of a place to play. An arcade filled with the classics, from Atari’s “Pong” to “Call of Duty: Black Ops” is just what Wash. U. needs to make sure that students procrastinate even more.