Perhaps it is too early in the year to be lamenting anything. But lament I will. In two weeks, Wash. U. students will be faced with a major, major problem. A problem that I don’t believe I have ever encountered in my tenure at this institution. This problem, which stirs the very depths of my being, is the problem of too many parties. Much like the plague of too many attractive people, this is a pestilence unbeknownst to our student body, but alas, we are finally faced with it. Call me out for having unwarranted confidence, but I think we can handle it. We’re not just smart.

If you are unfamiliar with the situation I am referencing, I will enlighten you. On Friday, Sept. 16, Wash. U. students will be presented with both W.I.L.D., which, naturally, entails a slew of day partying, and an event known as DAYGLOW. DAYGLOW describes itself as the “world’s largest paint party.” I’ve never attended DAYGLOW, but I know many people who have, and it is essentially a paint rave. There is loud house music, everyone dresses in white, you pretty much get covered in paint, everyone makes out with each other and there are other sloppy things that college students are wont to do at similarly-themed events. It’s quite a production. If my description wasn’t stimulating enough for you, there are plenty of awesomely edited YouTube videos for you to check out.

Now, there are a few issues that stand in the way of Wash. U.’s largest potential party day ever, or WULPPDE for short. The first is simple: There is a potential time overlap between the two main events. DAYGLOW starts at 8 p.m., while W.I.L.D. goes until 10 p.m.. Clearly, neither entity was in contact with the other to avoid such a scheduling conflict, but such is life, and we must find ways to get past it. One approach would be to use your own discretion in regards to your taste in music. Should you find yourself incredibly disappointed by Mike Posner, your choice is simple. Leave the quad, put on some white clothes, and march over to the Pageant to get your paint-rave on, assuming of course that you are interested in going in the first place. In case you couldn’t deduce this on your own, don’t shower in between. It wouldn’t accomplish much in the way of cleanliness. On the other hand, should you find yourself enthralled with Team 31’s headliner, stay until the act finishes, and more likely than not, DAYGLOW will be in full swing should you want to take part.

Here, we arrive at our second big issue. Some would say, “We go to Wash. U.; we are not bred to party like this!” And this is a legitimate concern, so I have outlined a variety of approaches for Friday the 16th. The traditional: Forget that DAYGLOW even exists; commence your W.I.L.D. routine as you normally would. The half-and-half: Attend the W.I.L.D. day parties, and if you don’t like the acts, take a short nap, and prep yourself for some debauched paint-on-paint action. The bear: You like what W.I.L.D. has to offer, and you also want to experience DAYGLOW, but the thought of getting no rest in between makes your head hurt. I would suggest partying through the opening act on the quad, resting for however long you think necessary, and then arriving at the Pageant a little late. Lastly, the you-should-probably-go-to-a-state-school-because-you-party-too-much: Just go straight through. You’re an animal. Respect.

It is important throughout all of this to be smart, know what you’re capable of, and still have a great time. Last year’s fall W.I.L.D. witnessed an unprecedented number of alcohol-related issues, so it would be unwise to try to top that this year. The consequences would not be good.

Needless to say, I’m already excited for WULPPDE. Stay thirsty—but also hydrated—my friends.