The biannual hike I take with my friend Jack is a hike I always look forward to. Once in the winter and in the summer, I know I am guaranteed to see him on the trails of Klondike Park. It’s up in the air if we see each other in between, which makes the times we do meet almost seem poetic. I see him in January, when the forest is barren, ready to sow the seeds for the new year. Then six months breeze by, and we forage for blackberries and chanterelles, harvesting stories from each other on how life has changed.

For a while, I felt like a bad friend for not being virtually connected with Jack between our hikes. In efforts to limit screen time, I would frequently be so enmeshed in life that I would forget I had a phone. I wanted this result, but it also left me disconnected from friends like Jack. When I shared my concerns with him, he offered me grace. He too was living a busy life in trade school and understood my inclination toward in-person connection. That was when we promised to see each other at least twice a year to do our favorite activity.

Through this experience, I realized that the hyper-connected friendships accelerated by social media and phones are not only draining but unrealistic. 

There will be times when you may not be in contact with your friends as much as you think is socially acceptable. But that is all that is. Socially acceptable. Society has shifted towards hyper-connectivity with the emergence of phones and social media. This has led to increased pressure to use these modern modes of communication in order to maintain close relationships.

While having close relationships with everyone you know and care about is ideal, it is not realistic. However, this “realism” does not come without having an honest conversation and setting expectations for the relationship. Mismatched expectations can easily lead to disappointment and disconnection for each person in low-maintenance friendships. Once expectations are set, understand they are adaptable to different circumstances. But that is what relationships are: adapting and growing together.

Having low-maintenance friendships also helped me realize that this is a part of growing up. We no longer have the luxury of childhood leisure when school ends after the bell rings. As we enter a time when we are exploring our adult lives independently, we are faced with balancing work, social life, and ourselves. Being constantly connected to your phone to maintain close friendships can interrupt this growth.

Although many friendships are built on the crux of shared moments, many self-discoveries occur in independence. That is why I love low-maintenance friendships — I know even if I don’t see Jack for six months, we can share those independent moments, reflect, and give each other advice. Letting yourself drift and discover allows you to come back and share these self-discoveries and new perspectives with friends. 

So, sure, seeing a friend twice a year may seem unorthodox and is definitely considered a low-maintenance friendship. But it is a system that works for us and has for three years. Even though we don’t constantly text or call, when the time rolls around for a hike, we are both game. Despite not seeing each other as often as I would a close friend from college, he is one of my best friends.

Relationships ebb and flow in connectivity and that doesn’t define its value. Don’t let the expectations of hyper-connectivity define your relationships. Disconnect. Gather the little moments you shared with others. Identify the lessons learned. Reconnect. Reap the benefits of growth and newfound revelations. And of course, like any good farmer, sow the seeds for another season of growth and friendship.