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A letter to sexual assault survivors
Editor’s note: This article contains discussion of sexual violence and contains sensitive language regarding unwanted sexual contact. Resources and helplines can be found at the bottom of the piece.
Dear survivor,
I don’t know if you want that title or identify with it in any way. I don’t know what happened to you. You might not either, but that doesn’t matter. If you feel like you might be a survivor, something happened to you. Someone, somewhere, at some point — maybe multiple people multiple times — crossed your path and ignored your boundaries.
They might not have acknowledged that they did it. They might not have cared about what they did. They might not realize you are still suffering the consequences.
But regardless, it happened.
If I am the first to tell you that you deserve to validate your own feelings, I am sorry, and I will continue to tell you over and over again for all the people who won’t. If you think someone sexually assaulted you, you are allowed to believe yourself. If you didn’t want what happened, know that perpetrators can be anyone, from strangers and hookups to friends and partners. If what happened didn’t feel violent or forceful, remember that sexual assault can be loud, but it can also be so incredibly silent.
That label might feel scary, and you don’t need to take it if you don’t want to. However, if you need the label to validate and express the pain in your mind, you are allowed to say it without feeling like you are being dramatic, an attention-seeker, or a burden. Your feelings and your needs are not a burden. The person who caused you all this pain is the burden.
You are the only one who knows what you are going through, so you are the only one who gets to determine how you react. You are in command now. Someone else might have controlled what happened, but you control what you do next.
You can try to tell yourself all the “right” things you need to do to heal, but no “right” way exists. That’s not to say that you will never be healed, but the healing might not look like what you expected. It likely won’t happen overnight, and you deserve to take as long or as short as you need. You are on no one’s timeline but your own, regardless of whatever pressure might be coming from yourself or others. The healing may not be a straight line, and may have high highs and low lows. It may be heartbreakingly lonely to face things that others won’t fully understand.
These things might feel like you are taking three steps backward for every one step forward, but it is part of the process. It might not make sense to others or even to yourself, but you are doing what you need to do to survive.
You might continue to replay moments in your head, or you’ll need to shower away the feeling of their hands on you, or you’ll want to hook up with a new person so you can forget, or maybe you won’t be able to sleep through the night, or you might need to talk about it over and over and over again, or maybe you’ll just want to smile over being able to get out of bed another day.
Whatever you need to do and however you need to heal, you deserve to do it. If you were forced to suffer in silence, you are allowed to heal as loudly as you need, regardless of other people’s opinions.
You are the one who went through it. You survived. And you are still surviving.
Even if it just feels like you are going through the motions sometimes, I’m proud of you, and I’m sorry. I am sorry someone did this to you. I am sorry if you tried to speak up about it and people didn’t listen. I am sorry if it feels like you don’t know how to go back to the person you used to be. I am sorry for anything you may have lost.
Nothing that happened to you was your fault; you didn’t want it, and you didn’t deserve it. If no one has told you or no one has told you recently — you can get through this, even on the days you don’t believe that to be true.
You are so much more than whatever happened to you.
Sincerely,
A friend… because you are never alone
The Sexual Assault and Rape Anonymous Helpline (S.A.R.A.H) provides confidential and anonymous support regarding sexual assault, sexual harassment, intimate-partner and sexual violence, relationships, and mental and sexual health. It can be reached at (314) 935-8080 24/7 during the fall and spring academic semesters.
There are counselors at the Relationship and Sexual Violence Prevention (RSVP) Center, located in Seigle Hall, Suite 435, available confidentially to any University student. The office can be reached at (314) 935-3445 or by email at [email protected].
The National Sexual Assault Hotline can be reached at 1-800-656-4673 or via online chat here 24/7