The unfortunate and untimely death of rapper Mac Miller shook the world when news spread that he had passed from an apparent drug overdose. Even I—someone who wouldn’t identify as a huge fan, although I did enjoy his music—found myself reflecting on the music he had made and the impact he had left on his fans and the world. People mourned the loss of such an artist, and many took it upon themselves to bring their grievances to the everlasting world of social media.

Snapchat made an entire story page to honor the late rapper, and timelines were plastered with pictures, lyrics and “R.I.P.s.” Some, however, chose not to grieve in this standard, traditional way. Many disgruntled fans were looking for answers, or at the very least something—or rather, someone—to place the blame for the death of Mac Miller. Many found this scapegoat in the rapper’s ex-girlfriend, Ariana Grande.

Grande dated Miller for a little under two years before the relationship ended in May 2018. In the four-month interim of the end of the relationship, Grande became engaged to comedian Pete Davidson, and fans of Miller were not happy. Many wrote the singer hate mail, blaming her for being the cause of his death; so much so that she had to deactivate comments on her Instagram posts. Yes, she was indeed the one to end the relationship, but this not a “blame game”-worthy situation. The concept of drug addiction here spans beyond the relationship. Mac Miller struggled with the disease of addiction for years, which was documented in media sources as early as 2013. It’s safe to say these habits didn’t end once he began dating Ariana Grande. It is possible that the end of the relationship caused some problems for Miller, but to put the blame of his death onto her is only perpetuating a system that breeds toxic relationships.

As a significant other, one can only do so much. In that role, the most she could have done for him was support him in getting help, and support him as he did get help. But at the end of the day, getting help was still a decision that only he could have made. In blaming Ariana ending the relationship to be the cause of Miller’s death is only to insinuate that her staying with him would somehow fix the situation, and this couldn’t be further from the truth. As the old saying goes: “You can lead the horse to the water, but you can’t make him drink.” The decision to get help—although undeniably a difficult one to make—was his and his alone. No one could do that for him.

Ariana staying with Mac Miller through his addiction probably did bring him a level of comfort, but what people fail to realize is this: She was just as much a person in this situation as he. She was not exempt from feelings, and her decision to leave the relationship should not be viewed as a callous act. There is a certain emotional aspect that follows closely with addiction. The abuse of drugs negatively affects not only the user, but those around them. A relationship such as this one was bound to suffer with the burden of these emotions, and to take a toll on one, if not both parties eventually. It’s hard to watch someone you care about struggle when the most you can do is stand idle and watch it all unfold; it’s a different type of heartbreak.

No one entirely knows why the relationship ended, but if addiction had anything to do with it, no one is at fault. For Ariana to have stayed with Mac Miller out of guilt or perhaps fear of what ended up happening, is a relationship that is nonetheless toxic. For those out there who claim that her actions were wrong, they should look at the matter for what it is. It isn’t easy to leave a relationship, but a person must do what’s right for them, and in Ariana’s case, that was leaving.

Ariana and Mac Miller are just an example, perhaps, of a much larger issue: people blaming women. We all have heard the stories (or experienced the realities) of rape victims being blamed. Blamed for their dress or actions, but in situations of men raping women, it seems that in some way or another the woman is at fault. Let’s not forget—how could we?—the Brock Turner case, in which the male guilty of rape was given a light sentence as to not tarnish his good reputation. These actions are nothing less than a perpetuation of rape culture, just as blaming Ariana Grande is a perpetuation of guilting women into staying in toxic relationships.

Women are almost expected to disregard their own feelings in order to save something that may not even be worth saving. People turned a blind eye to domestic violence for years; if a man were to hit his wife, law enforcement could not get involved, seeing that the situation of abuse was a “private matter between a man and his wife.” The woman was expected to stay, no matter what pain it may have caused her; and in attacking Ariana Grande for leaving, we’re pushing forward a mentality that activists have long been trying to fight against.

Instead of blaming Ariana, people should redirect this energy into bringing more awareness to ending drug abuse and to spark conversation around toxic relationships. Blaming women is not the answer, but finding adequate help and support systems just might be.

SAMHSA’s National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255