A cautionary tale

| Forum Editor
Every relationship is meant to fail, except one. Or at least that’s what I choose to believe. And with all that failure in my future and in my past, I’ve learned to recognize the whys behind the goodbyes. The following are my top 10 favorite reasons to break up.

1. Language Barriers

You know how relationship gurus are always claiming communication is key? Well, I’d say that communication-failure can spell doom for any budding (or budded) love. I’d know. One of my relationships clocked at three weeks; it ended because we suddenly realized that he was French (and spoke practically no English), and I could barely pronounce his name. When a relationship needs a translator, it’s probably best to just shut up and move on.

2. Emotional Barriers

This one is simple. Some people have feelings; some people don’t. And other people have way too many feelings. Don’t get sucked into another person’s emotional black hole. And don’t drown in someone else’s flash flood of feelings. Happy mediums, people.

3. Geographically Challenged

Long distance: a feat only intended for the strong, steady and emotionally-invested. An ample cash supply wouldn’t hurt either. Otherwise, after a couple cross-country flights, you’re left broke and pining, wasting away on gmail, waiting for a certain name to pop up on your buddy list. Proceed with caution, for distance has a way of making things dwindle and die.

4. Vertically Challenged

Maybe this is shallow, but very short people should not date very tall people. It’s freakish, wrong and likely to cause serious back and neck problems later in life. Do not date someone more than one foot taller than you. Pick on someone your own size.

5. Bad Timing

The timing is never right. You need to come to terms with that. “Right place, right time,” I’m starting to believe, is an urban legend.

6. Baggage

We all enter relationships with all our previous emotional baggage in tow. History is something with which we all have to grapple; perhaps some people just have a tad more grappling to do.

7. Phobias

Everyone is afraid of something, right? Fear is natural, fear is ubiquitous, but some fears are no good for relationship bliss. Commitment phobes and germaphobes could make for scary boyfriends. Sometimes you’re afraid for a reason.

8. The Unbalanced Seesaw

A relationship doesn’t function well when it’s unbalanced. When one person feels way more than the other, it’s like when a really fat kid and a really skinny kid try to get going on a seesaw. The fat kid will be stuck in the dirt. Period.

9. The Wandering Eye (and Hands)

If you really need to check if the grass is greener on the other side, prepare to lose access to your current grassy lawn. Don’t be greedy (it’s unattractive).

10. General Insanity

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and some people are from a planet all their own. Enough said.

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