Libel 2016

Our Weekly Week Not-Weak Rankings

With so many different causes and groups competing for your attention, it’s hard to decide what you should focus on. Student Libel breaks it down for you in this month’s theme week power rankings.

Buzz Feed | Ranking Pledge

So many good choices, so little time! My first presidential election

At the wise and ripe age of 18 years, the U.S. Constitution grants you the right to vote. Last summer, I dare say I got giddy because it was finally my turn to help decide which brilliant lawmakers we would elect in the next cycle. This presidential election will be my first vote that really matters (well I guess the Missouri primary did too, and that was quite the grudge match).

Rock'em Sock'em Bashers | Voting for Nader

A thank you for knowing how to do our jobs better than we ever could

As we quickly come to the close of the 2015-2016 academic year, the editorial board of Student Libel would like to commend each and every student on this campus for understanding journalism better than we do. Granted, it shouldn’t be hard to put out more consistent and non-biased news than a group of uneducated, click-baity, Greek-hating, illiterate trolls, but we congratulate you nonetheless.

Monday to return next week, possibly week after as well

In a stunning turn of events, Monday will be occurring once more in the coming week. Typically leading the work week, coming first on calendars for people who don’t speak English and second for American calendars, Monday is a universally hated day. The day typically signals the return of hardship, sleeplessness and pain.

Bertie Botts | Private Eye

Physics Department hires male alligator over female candidates

In an effort to increase species diversity, the physics department announced on Wednesday that 18-foot-long alligator John Goodman will be hired as the department’s newest faculty member.

Cootie Mucus | Senior Salami Editor

Morgan Maggots to leave Student Life, become editor of The Tab

Despite a year at the helm of Student Life, Morgan Maggots’ thirst for journalism seems not to be satiated quite yet. The junior announced she would leave her post as editor-in-chief and take her talents to lead Washington University’s newest—and most original—campus publication, The Tab.

Rory Gilmore | Design Bitch

Survey finds foreign spambots constitute StudLife’s entire readership

A recent survey of Student Life readers found that foreign spambots make up the entirety of the publication’s readership. The survey, which was created to collect demographic information and feedback from Student Life’s audience, instead found that virtually all of the paper’s readers are located outside of the U.S. and may not even be real people.

Sunder Laef | Twitterer-in-Chief

Newspaper to sell studlife.com to new porn production company

Only two years ago, Student Life decided to modernize its website. Now the newspaper is switching direction and moving to the Internet’s oldest practice by selling its studlife.com domain to an aspiring pornography site.

Richard Pound | Casting Executive

Gamma Phi Beta’s degree of srat forever unknown

After nearly a month of speculation, Coordinator of Student Involvement Davine Stutter attempted to confirm if Gamma Phi Beta was, in fact, srat or not srat. He failed.

Kyle Cilantro | The Seven

Mission accomplished: WU no longer bottom of the pack in Pell Grants

With its newest class, Washington University has finally enrolled enough Pell grant-receiving undergraduates to be ranked second to last out of comparable universities, Chancellor Mark Wrongon announced at a press conference Monday.

Secre Tariat | Equestrian Editor

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