Maintaining that the protestors calling for Washington University to divest from fossil fuels have “no drip,” Chancellor Mark Wrongton announced that the University will not change its investment policies.

Citing its “exquisite modern facilities” and “quaint on-campus craft shops,” the university rankings website Niche named Washington University’s West Campus the most beautiful in the United States Thursday.

Beginning in the fall semester, Holmes Lounge and Brookings Quad will be no longer be available for student usage. These transitions come in light of the closure of the Gargoyle and Mallinckrodt 100A in February 2019.

In a shocking turn of events, LeBron James Jr., son of LeBron James, son of Delonte West, has committed to play basketball at Wash. U.

Huey Lewis and the News was at their peak on their 1984 album, “Sports” The album, the band’s commercial breakthrough, is funky and youthful. It’s full of memorable guitar and synth rifts. As a listening experience, the album is pleasant. However, it is an album written by a 34-year-old man for an audience that seems to be much younger than himself, and that creates some cringy moments.

I’m ready to be let down.

Where are the ducks supposed to go if Mudd Field is closed and they aren’t welcome in the DUC?

Seventy thousand dollars in university fees is simply not enough money, and I find this measly number to be insulting.

Hello, it is me, an online commenter who’s riled up about something a college newspaper published.

Today, dear readers, you hold in your hand the key to the future; a piece of literature that will transcend space and time.