During the middle-of-the-fall entertainment news lull, Cadenza needs to get creative with what stories to run. Our solution? Thinking of TV/movie characters that really should go to our school, if they were, well, real. Here’s what we came up with.

Alex Dunphy (“Modern Family”)
Wash. U. would give Alex the opportunity to explore all of her very diverse interests, from sports and music to community service to academics. Best of all, that Albert Einstein sweatshirt would earn her some major street cred here.
Major: She might change it a few times, but in the end Alex would probably double major in PNP and math, with a minor in music.
Extracurriculars: She’d have to drop a few things, but Alex’s final list of extracurriculars would include pit orchestra for theater productions, club lacrosse, EST, debate, WUPR, Each One Teach One, Wash U Feminists United, and maybe Harry Potter Club. – Hayley Perlis

Annie Edison (“Community”)
Annie has always had a Wash. U. (or “Ivy League”) mindset, so her attitude and scholastic aptitude would make her an ideal student here. With her dedication to the study group and enthusiasm for school activities, she’d fit amongst us first-rate overachievers. She also has a very nerd-friendly thing for Han Solo.
Major: She’d probably dabble in something like anthro or poli sci.
Extracurriculars: Annie would sign up for every club at the activities fair, but she’d definitely stick with StudLife, Speech and Debate, Model U.N., something very program-heavy like Dance Marathon and then whatever her latest crush is doing. – Jordan Weiner

David “Gordo” Gordon (“Lizzie McGuire”)
Ever since Lizzie ditched him for State U, Gordo has been searching for a new girl to obsess over. He’d come to Wash. U. in hopes of finding that slightly awkward yet genuine and fun girl to replace his one true love.
Major: Starting out as an undeclared liberal arts, he will ultimate want a job and decide on political science.
Extracurriculars: Film Club, Hillel, Washington University Political Review (so everyone can know and support his “right” opinions.) – Elena Bell

DJ Tanner (“Full House”)
DJ would find herself at Wash. U. in hopes of separating herself from her overbearing father and uncles. It was her “reach school,” so she is thrilled to have the chance to be here.
Major: Education and psychology. She tried pre-med but after the first general chemistry exam, she found out medicine wasn’t in her future. She is more interested in children, anyway.
Extracurriculars: Campus Y, Each One Teach One, Home Plate (she misses her family!) – Elena Bell

Ferris Bueller (“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”)
Having already conquered his native Chicago, Ferris will come to Wash. U. to further take over the Midwest. His wacky hijinks will make him a freshman floor star.
Major: Majoring in being cool isn’t exactly an option at Wash. U., so Ferris will have to settle for something slightly less exciting. Look for him to major in something like psychology or anthropology, where common sense matters quite a bit.
Extracurriculars: CPC, improv, and a member of a treasure hunting team. – Andie Hutner

Fogell aka McLovin (“Superbad”)
Sure, the movie claims he’s going to Dartmouth, but after his life-changing experience at the end of senior year, McLovin might choose to Wash. U. for its “work hard, play hard” lifestyle.
Major: Something pre-med, most likely biology. He seems like the type to stay in the library until the studying makes him go crazy, causing his drunken side to come out.
Extracurriculars: Magic: The Gathering Club and Hawaii Club (don’t forget where his fake ID came from – he’ll need the culture to back it up.)
– Andie Hutner

Hermione Granger (“Harry Potter”)
Hermione only wants the best of the best, so when deciding on a pre-med school, Wash. U. was the natural choice. After witnessing the strong injustices towards those of the lower socioeconomic status, violence towards women, and cultural prejudice, however, she turned to the humanities.
Major: Double major in IAS and WGSS, minor in psychology; via her Time-Turner, she will also study IPH, ancient studies, and Text & Tradition.
Extracurriculars: Safe Zones, Alliance of Students Against Poverty, Campus Y, Debate Team, Pre-Law Society, Student Forum on Sexuality, V-Day, Wash U Feminists United. – Abi Saxena

Juno MacGuff (“Juno”)
While Juno’s pregnancy belly may have made her stand out in the physical respect, her quirk and wit would have found themselves in good company here at Wash. U. Having debates at every turn, she’d slay her competition and then share a jug of Sunny D with them.
Major: Philosophy with a psych minor–the only departments that could fully appreciate her quick tongue.
Extracurriculars: Controversy N’ Coffee and WUTV. – Molly Sevcik

Peggy Olson (“Mad Men”)
Peggy got her job at Sterling Cooper after graduating from secretarial school, but her newfound self-confidence should cause her to go back to college. Wash. U. seems like a perfect fit, considering how driven she is.
Major: Clearly, Peggy would find a home in the B-School as a marketing major, but she would double in English to fulfill her artistic side as well
Extracurriculars: Peggy would found her own business as a part of StEP, or maybe team up with Off the Row to design promotional tees. She would also get involved with Controversy N’ Coffee, and maybe Campus Y as well. – Andie Hutner

Seth Cohen (“The O.C.”)
Cohen would definitely come to Washington University to escape Newport Beach’s elitist social atmosphere in hopes of embracing that sweet Midwestern attitude.
Major: Chemistry, just as his lawyer dad would want and encourage him to be (what an anomaly!)
Extracurriculars: Seth would establish the Comic Book Club, and join Jewish Student Union and Team 131 as well. – Elena Bell

Sheldon Cooper (“Big Bang”)
Sheldon has about a million college degrees, since he started undergrad when he was 11 years old. It stands to reason that he would have made his way to Wash. U. at some point, if only to inform all the med students and engineers that their fields are less important than theoretical physics.
Major: Physics, obviously. But by the time he graduated, spurred on by curiosity and that pesky SS requirement, he’d have picked up a second major in psychology – and then immediately tried to turn his friends into guinea pigs.
Extracurriculars: Academic bowl, chess club, and any clubs that revolve around RPGs. He’d also get kicked out of Controversy ‘n Coffee, either because he refused to listen to opposing opinions, or because he flipped out when someone sat in “his” spot. – Nora Long

Michael Cera
Michael Cera, recovering child actor, would fit in wonderfully at Wash. U. with his awkward, lovesick, vaguely nerdish persona. Paulie Bleeker? George Michael Bluth? Scott Pilgrim? All of his roles are exactly the same, and every single one of them would attend Wash. U. if given the chance.
Major: Cera would double major in history and English, as his brain is probably full of lame references to events in literature and the past that are vaguely funny but mainly awkward.
Extracurriculars: Club running would be the only sport Cera would do, just like his character in “Juno.” – Georgie Morvis