Awarding the Awards Show: The Golden Globes

| Cadenza Editors

The hype for the Golden Globes is always astronomical (and I suspect a little maniacal, too. Have you ever heard of a secretive, international organization that wasn’t evil?). Unfortunately, the ceremony is always followed by a depressing lull as red carpet junkies everywhere turn their attention to the Oscars. Well, Cadenza isn’t ready to say goodbye to those flaxen orbs, and to prove it, we’ve thrown together an awards show of our own!…one that awards shows.

Most Potent Lager
And the winner is: whatever was in Ricky Gervais’ cup! Gervais was without a doubt the host with the most on Sunday night, but did he have an unfair advantage? The ridiculously British emcee was seen taking modest (read: tiny) sips from his glass throughout the night, but while introducing Mel Gibson, he blamed drunkenness for anything offensive he may have said. Let’s see: He had three hours to process a quarter of a drink. Something didn’t add up. Either Gervais had somehow stumbled onto James Cameron’s stash of Unobtainiweiser, or he was lying through his teeth. But I don’t think he was lying. That’s just what Cameron wants us to think.

Most Shameless
Remember how James Cameron called himself the “king of the world” after winning the Oscar for best director in 1997? Cameron still hasn’t learned humility in 2010, evidenced by the fact that he slipped into Na’vi language at the end of his acceptance speech. Come on, man. There are only two rules to making a good acceptance speech: 1) Be humble, and 2) don’t reference your own movie. There is something wrong with you.

Quickest Getaway
Gervais left in a hurry after introducing Mel Gibson. “I like a drink as much as the next man. Unless the next man…is Mel Gibson,” and zoom! He was gone. I think that traditionally, hosts are supposed to stick around thoroughly upending their guests, but I don’t blame Gervais for 86-ing convention and (presumably) hiding under the covers backstage.

Most Time-Warping Paradox
Mere minutes after Martin Scorsese spoke on the importance of film preservation and restoration, the Hollywood Foreign Press validated James Cameron’s foray into ground-breaking technology by awarding him the Golden Globe for Best Director and Best Picture. During Scorsese’s speech, the camera cut to Cameron but quickly cut away, because it looked like the speech was angering up his blood.

Most Nautical Dress
With apologies to Sandra Bullock, who chose to wear a dress that made her look like Ursula, the sea-monster, there was no other choice but Chloe Sevigny’s dress. It looked exactly like an axolotl, a Mexican neotenic mole salamander, which in turn looks exactly like a clump of seaweed. Speaking of Chloe…

Wardrobe Malfunction of the Night
Unlike the Super Bowl incident, there is no doubt that this wardrobe malfunction was entirely unintentional. As Chloe Sevigny walked on stage, her escort stepped on the back of her dress and ripped it. After an awful tearing sound, an aghast look and a bewildered comment (“I can’t believe he just ripped my dress!”), Chloe gracefully moved on with her thank-yous. Hopefully she won’t have to pay for that. Still speaking of Chloe…

Biggest Award Robbery
Don’t get me wrong. Chloe Sevigny is great in “Big Love,” and her award for Best Supporting Actress on TV was certainly deserved. Unfortunately, Jane Lynch in “Glee” was just that much more phenomenal and ultimately should have won. She is the best part of the show, and the Best Supporting Actress. She will, no doubt, get another chance at winning this much-deserved award.

Most Predictable Award
This one is a toss-up, but I think that ultimately “Up” winning Best Animated Feature wins. There wasn’t a doubt in anyone’s mind that this Disney/Pixar movie would win this category. Really, what could have beaten it?

Funniest Acceptance Speech
When Robert Downey Jr. accepted his award for Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical (for “Sherlock Holmes”), he jokingly took a negative tone in his speech. He started by blaming his wife for telling him that Matt Damon was going to win the award, which explains why he didn’t prepare a speech. He then took credit for the success of the movie. Even in all of his self-praise, Downey was able to mention everyone he needed to thank without having written a speech.

Wettest Acceptance Speech
Mo’Nique won Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture for “Precious.” Everyone knew she was going to win, except maybe her. When she took the stage, the comedienne-turned-dramatic actress couldn’t hold in her tears, as she proclaimed that her dream had come true. While it was a nice moment and certainly a deserved award, no one was surprised.

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