5 movies that would have been most improved had they starred Chuck Norris

| Movie Editor


Yes, I know this list is splitting hairs, since every movie ever would be better if it starred Chuck Norris. Still, the Bearded Mercenary could have benefited some movies more than others this past decade. Here’s a quick rundown. Try not to look it in the eyes.

5: ‘Walker, Texas Catwoman’

Norris’ Catwoman would not crawl. He’d stand 18 feet tall and walk in straight. He’d probably ditch the whip, too, and choose a more practical weapon, like brass knuckles.

If you’re worried that Chuck would need to buy a new costume for the role, he wouldn’t, because one, he’s sewing a new one out of flaming, spiked tires right now, and two, he could easily slip in Halle Berry’s skin-tight leather pants and bra if he wanted to. And he’d have room to spare.

4: ‘Fight at the Museum’

Sit down, Roosevelt! Nobody told you that you could become reanimated!

Norris wouldn’t take any of Roosevelt’s crap. He’d probably light up a blowtorch and melt down Roosevelt’s *wise-ass wax-ass* before he had the chance to be rambunctious.

Ben Stiller couldn’t tame the museum, but I know Norris would keep things in check. He’d start small, with dunce caps and eraser beatings. Except his dunce caps would be made out of shattered glass. And his eraser beatings would involve less actual erasers and more roundhouse kicks to the faces of revered and treasured artifacts. It all boils down to this question: Why wouldn’t you want Chuck Norris as your security guard?

3: ‘Million Dollar Norris’

When Norris’ opponent delivers a cheap shot that knocks him off his feet and his neck is careening toward a horribly placed bench, what do you have your money on: the bench or his neck?

Norris’ neck would crush through the wooden legs like they were blades of grass. Then he’d hurl the bench’s splintered remains at his opponent like throwing stars, tell off the ref for disqualifying him, bend the ref into the shape of a heavyweight belt and raise it above his head, and then pose for the photo that would soon don Wheaties boxes all over the country.

And the movie would win 12 Best Pictures.

2: ‘America’s Stomped-Hearts’

Imagine if Billy Crystal’s character had been played by Chuck Norris. Crystal was too busy fighting a dog for most of the movie to notice the Julia Roberts-John Cusack-Catherine Zeta-Jones love triangle. A relationship this romantic would never get past Norris. He would only need one whiff of the interconnection tangle to know exactly what to do. He’d look each character in the eye and tell them exactly whom to love.

1: ‘The Chuckbob Punchpants Movie’

What’s always been the great thing about animation is that it can take every unfathomable Chuck Norris karate move and pump it to the max. Chuckbob doesn’t laugh, or, if he does, you can’t hear it over the roundhouse kicks. Also, when Chuckbob swims in the ocean, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chucked. 500 Best Pictures.

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