This is a terrible turn of events, nation. Although all the polls seemed to indicate otherwise, in our hearts we true Americans knew McCain would somehow emerge victorious. A McCain victory would have meant four more years of political gaffes, poor judgment, disdain of diplomacy and hypocritical press statements; in short, four more years of real late-night entertainment. But now that the messianic, rainbow-aura-ed Obama has won the election, the state of our Comedy Central union is not strong, nation.
What will John Stewart do? Where will his topical jokes come from? Without the war mongering, the laughably corrupt politicians, the mind-bogglingly contradictory messages, how will we ever laugh again?
Not to fear, nation! Here comes the (slightly delayed) train of unfulfilled campaign promises! Behind that, the caboose of un-meetable expectations, trailed not too distantly by the handcar of unrealistic budget plans!
It’s easy to laugh at things that are funny, nation. The real coup is in laughing at the things that make us want to cry. For instance, the Enron fiasco was originally stupefyingly depressing. That is, until John Stewart got his hands on it: “The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating – allegedly – the fraud that led to the second-largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it’s harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries.” Now not only is the Enron debacle stomach-churning and hilarious, so is the war on terror.
With Obama in office, we’ll simply have to settle for less depressing amusement.  Don’t worry, there will still be problems with the economy and the government, they simply won’t be as rife for political satire. Having a god-like figure in office might lead to more jokes about the separation of church and state, but in the end, this McCain loss means a dark four years. I’d suggest packing up and moving to Canada now, but don’t rescind your citizenship too quickly! There’s always hope for a Palin presidency down the line.