Take on TV will be The Funcooker’s weekly dose of television musings from TV Editor Andie Hutner and her TV-writin’ monkeys. Well, “weekly” doesn’t really describe it. Expect a post every Monday, then a post or two in between. Coming soon: television live-blogs.
Last week, I wrote a review of AMC’s new zombie series, “The Walking Dead,” and it got me thinking a lot about zombies. Let me set the record straight: I hate them. I think they are the worst villains that horror movies or shows have ever come up with, and I don’t really understand why they are popular.
First of all, they aren’t scary. They just walk around – empty bodies – looking for people whose brains they can eat. But seriously, they are so stupid. You would think if they eat brains, they would have some measure of intellect, but no. But how easy would it be to outsmart a zombie? Even if you turn a corner and see 100 of them, just turn right around. It’s not like they would notice you.
Next, there is no reason to care about them. Many people watch horror stories for the blood and gore, but I would only watch one for the same reason I watch any genre: for character. I get invested in shows are movies where the characters are relatable or interesting. It is easy to care about other types of horror creatures. Interesting vampires have shown up time and time again, and werewolves usually follow suit. (Seriously, is there a modern day vampire tale where a vampire doesn’t show up in the sequel or second or third season?) Even robots can be made vulnerable and interesting as shows like “Battlestar Galactica” have shown when their humanoid robots have their own fears and concerns. But zombies have nothing going for them. There are ugly as anything, with blood everywhere and guts hanging out. And, they don’t talk or do anything! They just wander around. What’s the point?
I can’t really speak about funny zombie movies, like “Shaun of the Dead” or “Zombieland,” because I’ve never seen them. I assume they will just be a waste of my time, because, well, they have zombies. I know the rest of the world thinks differently, but they aren’t funny. Or scary. Or interesting. Or anything redeemable. If someone can think of a way to make zombies do anything, maybe I’ll reconsider. But for now, zombies just suck.