Scott BresslerEditor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.
Late last night, Officer Joe Harvey was startled to find famed thespian Dame Judi Dench behind the wheel of a green Ford Taurus that had been swerving dangerously between traffic lanes in downtown Los Angeles before being pulled over.
“I was surprised because she’s such an old biddy, but she was slurring her words and couldn’t focus,” said Harvey. “And, you know, swerving the wrong way down an eight-lane highway.”
When Harvey asked for her license and registration, Dame Dench “screwed up her eyeballs and called me ‘sugar tits.'” Harvey then asked her to exit the vehicle.
Dame Dench reportedly fumbled with her door handle and, as she began to emerge from the car, a large amount of white powder spilled from her pocket. “She mumbled ‘those aren’t my pockets’ and fell on the asphalt,” said Harvey.
Dame Dench is a six-time nominee and one-time winner of an Academy Award for her work as Queen Elizabeth in “Shakespeare in Love.” Investigators later claimed at least three Oscars were found stashed in the glove compartment. Dench denied any knowledge of the Oscar fraud.
Harvey then ventured around to the rear of the vehicle, where he heard a muffled noise.
“I opened up the trunk, and there was a little kid bound and gagged back there,” said Harvey. He soon realized that that “kid” was Mary-Kate Olsen.
“Well, I shut the trunk back up ’cause I just wasn’t sure what to do with an Olsen twin at that moment.”
He then ventured to investigate the large, hitched U-Haul, in which he discovered 60 illegal immigrants.
“That explained why she blew through the Mexican-American border the way she did,” said Harvey.
The officer then returned to the near-catatonic Dame and dragged her to her feet.
“She was a real sweetheart when I cuffed her and put her in the car,” said Harvey, “grabbing me and telling me she had a bodyguard position open, ‘if I knew what she meant.’ As long, she said, as I promised not to write a tell-all once I quit.”
Harvey slammed the door on another downward spiral and drove her off for a horrifically unflattering mug shot, which was leaked early this morning.
The Dame will be arraigned this weekend and is expected to serve a 23-second jail sentence sometime in the next 60 years.
The illegal immigrants took one look at Los Angeles and decided to go home.