Amish McAmish Jr.Dear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.
While giving students access to varying areas of St. Louis, the shuttle services at Washington University have not been well received by students. After complaints of pick-up times bearing absolutely no relationship to the so-called “schedules,” and the drivers’ dangerously fast speeds which occasionally cause problems with pedestrians in the area, Director of Transportation Services James Dutch made a radical move on March 29 to abolish the shuttle services in favor of horse-drawn carriages. So far, the change has only heralded praise within the Wash. U. community.
“In the end, the shuttles had many more costs than benefits,” said Dutch. “We are much happier with the carriages, which haven’t shifted more than two minutes from the posted schedules in their week of usage.”
Faculty members have also shown support for this new development. The percentage of student tardiness dropped at a miraculous rate this week, even in the Schools of Art and Architecture, where students must trek far distances to class.
“With the shuttle system, many students would come into class looking upset or annoyed in the morning,” said art history professor John Brown. (No, not that John Brown. The other one.) “The new carriages, however, seem to have fostered a new spirit in these students. Perhaps due to the balance between beautiful horses in the foreground and the comfortable seats in the background, the picture just looks elegant.”
Architecture professor Lily Stewart agreed with Brown’s assessment.
“I think that the presence of the curved lines and good support wheels contributes to the ease in movement,” said Stewart. “My students are arriving earlier and earlier to class, full of festivity, and ready to learn. Keep these carriages forever.”
Not only have the shuttles contributed to academic performance, restaurant owners in the surrounding Wash. U. area have voiced their happiness as well.
“We used to make a habit of making reservations for Wash. U. students 20 to 30 minutes after the time they stated,” said Cicero Restaurant and Bar’s owner Chip Marshall. “That shuttle is just unreliable, even when it’s going the five blocks to the Loop. But now, parties are arriving on time for their dinners, allowing us to serve more customers faster. Everyone here is ecstatic.”
The primary users of the shuttle, students without cars, appreciate this new service immensely.
“The parking codes at this school are such a hassle, and when the shuttle created even more frustration on top of it, I didn’t know what to do,” said sophomore Keen Albert. “These new carriages get me to where I’m going without a blue, purple, brown, yellow or green sticker on my car. They rock.”
Due to the immense success during this first week, Chancellor Wrighton has announced a new five-year plan, Phase 255, to breed horses in the Astronomy building. Far enough away that most students never get inside, this building provides a great atmosphere to nurture the next generation of this miracle on wheels.
“Thanks to these carriages, my job has gotten a lot easier,” said Wrighton. “I hope the positive feelings last.”