Courtesy of Women’s Christian Temperance UnionDear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.
Two out of the three students on the “Just the Facts” poster who drink four or fewer drinks when they party died Thursday night from what appear to be alcohol-related causes.
Catherine Clapham and Amelia Boone, both seniors, met their demise within half an hour of one another, with Clapham falling out of a window on the top story of Wheeler House and Boone collapsing in front of a troop of Girl Scouts selling cookies in Wohl Center.
Clapham and Boone began the night together at a party on the fourth floor of Wheeler, according to the party’s host, junior Annie Busch.
“After they got here, they each drank one 12 oz. beer, 4 oz. of wine, and two 1 oz. shots of liquor, just like the poster says they do,” said Busch.
At about 7 p.m., for reasons unknown, Clapham and Boone each accepted a fifth drink. That’s where the problems began, said Busch.
“I guess they just didn’t know how to handle that fifth drink,” said Busch. “That one brunette girl in the yellow shirt, she got soooo wasted.”
During her final moments, Clapham was seen to enter one of the bedrooms, fall twice while trying to climb onto the raised bed, and begin tampering with the window.
She was then heard to say, “Omigod you guys, remember when that drunk girl fell out the window on this floor?”
Partygoers then heard a crash. EST rushed to the scene to find Clapham impaled on a bunch of spikes in the grassy area outside the dorm. After 15 minutes of shining a flashlight in her face and asking her if she was drunk, they declared her dead.
“This is unreal,” said Christopher Tufts, president of EST. “Like, I was sitting in the library just waiting for my walkie-talkie to go off, and then it did, so I sprinted here as fast as I could.”
While EST practiced CPR on Clapham, Boone had wandered off in a drunken stupor toward Wohl Center.
Those who saw her enter said that she was muttering something about toasted ravioli “with a shitload of tomato sauce” until she saw Girl Scout Troop 1833 selling cookies in the hallway.
Diners said that Boone then squealed and stumbled toward the Girl Scouts saying “Oh my freakin’ God I love Thin Mints.”
Witnesses reported that Boone never reached the table piled with cookies, passing out in front of the scouts and their troop leaders.
“Who does that?” said Alpha Phi sister Candy Brandy, who witnessed the incident. “It is so inappropriate to get drunk at a public place like that. It so gives the school a bad name.”
WUPD arrived by Segway within minutes. Although Chief of Police Don Strom could not say with accuracy how much Boone had drunk, the tally marks on her left arm that ended in a long smudge indicated that she had had at least seven.
When asked how she felt about these two tragedies, Melissa Ruwitch, coordinator of the Just the Facts committee, emphasized that they do not indicate failure of the program itself.
“As you can clearly see, there are five students on the poster,” said Ruwitch. “That these two students exhibited poor judgment has no bearing upon our ambiguous statistics.”
Just the Facts is currently seeking two attractive, well-groomed and ethnically diverse individuals to fill the now empty slots on the far left side of its poster.