Jeff ZoveDear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.
Sexile turned to exile as Student Union President David Ader expelled Treasurer Ed Banti from Tuesday’s Senate meeting following a spat between the two over disputed beau and Vice President Pam Bookbinder.
The sudden expulsion was precipitated by a night during which Ader came to the Student Union (SU) offices, only to find Banti’s sock on the doorknob and the message “Dave, we’re busy – Ed,” written beside it. Ader then noticed the brassiere of Bookbinder, his immediate subordinate and current girlfriend, at his feet.
“I just do not believe that Pamela would do something like this,” said Ader, who has since called for Banti’s resignation, in addition to calling Bookbinder’s cellphone 17 times. “The sparks flew ever since I beat her in the election [for SU president] a couple years ago, and now she will not even answer my calls.”
Banti, however, sees things differently, and attributes Bookbinder’s change of heart to his newly shaven head, a haircut he received along with Ader at Relay for Life.
“They say that when you buzz your hair, it reveals your true character,” said Banti. “I guess when Pammie saw Dave and me side by side, she just could not resist a little treasure, if you know what I mean.”
Bookbinder refused to comment on the issue.
Tensions came to a head on Tuesday when Ader caught Banti gently stroking Bookbinder’s hair and massaging her back during the “Open Forum” section of the meeting. He promptly asked Banti to leave, to which the treasurer responded, “Respect the lady’s choice, loser,” before walking out.
While the love triangle may cause problems for the SU staff, one executive, SU Speaker of the Treasury Harsh Agarwal, sees the debate as positive.
“I think this is a step in the right direction for SU, especially the Treasury,” said Agarwal, who also shares a suite with Banti. “Ed has been a little, shall we say, frustrated lately, and this experience will really let him release some tension and focus on the treasury’s goals.”
But some, including former SU Treasury representative hannah draper, think the drama reflects very negatively on SU’s executives.
“That is some fucked up shit,” said draper. “I would not be surprised if [SU Treasury representative] Judson Clark and [SU Speaker of the Senate] Jeff Zove are also in on the action.”
While the sexual mores that draper suggests would be against Robert’s Rules of Order, the pamphlet that SU uses to guide its proceedings, Agarwal says he is not concerned.
“To be honest, I have never even opened that book,” said Agarwal. “Some [SU executives] thought about checking it out of the library once, but we are not even sure it exists. We kind of make up the rules as we go along.”
Meanwhile, Ader sees a silver lining.
“In my opinion, this is the first interesting thing to come out of SU in all four years I have been here,” he said. “Maybe now people will watch our TV show.”
-With additional reporting by Roman Goldstein