Courtesy of My Wet DreamDear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.
Doctors at Student Health and Counseling Services (SHCS) made a surprising discovery this week.
It all started when a sick student presented herself at SHCS on Tuesday morning. Triage nurse Amy Richards was the first person to assess the student’s condition.
“She was running a pretty high fever and had a stuffed-up nose and a headache,” said Richards. “My first instinct was that she had either mono or strep throat, because that’s what everyone has if they’re running a fever.”
The student next met with Dr. Patrick McCarthy.
“She was definitely really sick,” said McCarthy. “So of course I figured she had to have mono or strep, because what else could make a person sick like that? And when I saw that the nurse also thought she had mono or strep, I knew I had to be right. But then as I was asking the student about her symptoms, she said she didn’t have a sore throat. I thought that was really strange.”
Both mono, which is caused by a virus, and strep throat, which is caused by a bacteria, are characterized by a very sore throat and swollen glands in the neck area.
“So then I got to thinking, if it’s not strep or mono, she must be pregnant,” said McCarthy. “When I asked if she had missed her period she said that not only had she not missed one, but that she had never had sex. At that point I was really confused.”
With all three of the diagnoses in McCarthy’s arsenal eliminated, he consulted with his colleague at SCHS, Dr. Lisa Smith.
“I told him that back when I was in medical school I had learned about this other disease that can cause a high fever like this student had. It’s called influenza, or the flu for short,” said Smith. “I had always wanted to pull that one out and diagnose somebody with it. It sounds so exotic, ‘influenza.’ But of course the only things that people here get are strep, mono and pregnancy. So I was really excited that a student had come in who fit the description.”
McCarthy was intrigued by news of this strange illness, so he took to the Internet for more information. Wikipedia’s entry on influenza surprised him.
“This article said that influenza is actually a really common illness. Millions of people get it every year, with some people even dying of it. I guess it was just a matter of time before someone at Washington University contracted it,” he said.
Word quickly spread that a student at the University had been diagnosed with influenza.
“I overheard these people in Holmes Lounge talking about it,” said junior Erica Rosenberg. “They were all freaked out, because apparently it’s contagious. They were really worried that they were going to get sick.”
The flu is spread by direct contact with an infected person’s saliva, which can be expelled during a cough.
“I also read on Wikipedia about a flu vaccine, which can be taken to prevent influenza even if you’re exposed to it,” said McCarthy. “I called several local hospitals in the area and found out that they actually give people these vaccines all the time. Who knew?”
Dr. Alan Glass, director of SHCS, was excited to hear that doctors at his facility were able to make the diagnosis.
“This means that they’re really thinking and analyzing the situation,” he said. “I think the next step is for the staff to become more aware of the symptoms of this illness so that they are better able to spot it if it pops up again.”
Glass also stated that he is also going to educate his staff about another mysterious illness that he believes will soon invade our campus. Training sessions about the common cold and how to treat it are set to begin next week.