Imagine this: Melissa and John have been in an intimate relationship for two years. They are perfectly happy. One day, Melissa meets Michael, and begins to develop a deep attachment to him. She brings Michael home to John. All three sit down to talk and by the end all three are content with the outcomes.
Melissa is now in two relationships-one with John and the other with Michael.
Wrong? Unnatural? Plain cheating? Perhaps to some, but for those engaged in such relationships, it is simply the most natural and right way-that is, to polyamory, the practice of multiple relationships.
“[Polyamory] is the belief in having open relationships, but having your partner know about these various non-monogamous relationships,” said Susan Stiritz, professor of women and gender studies. According to Stiritz, the practice is grounded in the belief that humans are not inherently monogamous and that the limitation to only one relationship is unnatural.
What is natural in polyamorous relationships, however, is the establishment of hierarchy.
“You begin with a primary relationship,” said Stiritz. “If you meet someone new, you would introduce that new person to your primary relationship, and you would all discuss how the primary person would feel about having this person around the house.”
Stiritz attended a workshop on polyamory as part of a wider sex education conference held in St. Louis. As the only non-polyamorous person at the workshop, she learned a great deal from those around her. “These are very serious people,” she said. “They’re innovators in exploring how humans can connect.”
Stiritz does not study or teach the topic herself, she said, primarily because it is not a theme most students are interested in and it is not a type of relationship that would generally apply to adults looking for long-term intimacy.
However, that is not to say that students are not curious.
Senior Josh Ellman, a member of Safe Zones, said that the group at Washington University held a panel on Tuesday, Feb. 12 that touched on issues including polyamory. The panel was made up of Washington University students and faculty, as well as others from the St. Louis community.
“They [spoke] about their experiences and what polyamory means to them. For Safe Zones, this is definitely something we want to learn more about and be able to educate other students on. It’s not something that’s frequently talked about. Also, there have been some misunderstandings,” said Ellman.
Stiritz and Ellman are both firm in making the distinction between cheating and polyamory.
“Most people cheat, but they don’t practice polyamory,” said Stiritz.
“[Polyamory] isn’t just some sexual hookup thing. It is meaningful. It just happens to be different from what people are used to,” said Ellman, “It’s also a common misconception that polyamorous people are just not interested in being monogamous; these people are realizing that just the typical man and woman [relationship] is not working. It’s not realistic; it’s not what’s happening in the world.”
For Michael Brown, coordinator for LGBT Student Involvement and Leadership, polyamory goes as deep as to question what a relationship is.
“It’s really rethinking intimate partner relationships and asking what intimacy is,” said Brown.
“Polyamory simply challenges the whole concept that one person has to be with one person, that this is the only kind of intimacy, and that anything outside of this must not be intimacy,” said Ellman.
According to Stiritz, a book called “Open Marriage,” first published in 1972, promoted the idea that non-monogamous relationships would enrich the lives of all those involved and make them better partners for each other.
“A lot of people tried it, but there is just not enough social or structural support,” said Stiritz, “I think we have a hard enough time getting along with one person.”
Stiritz emphasizes the great amount of work polyamorous people commit to in order to maintain their relationships, especially in dealing with jealousy-an issue even monogamous couples have trouble overcoming.
“They have developed their own techniques, insights that would help anybody understand how to give up jealousy,” said Stiritz. “If you want to go to somebody who can work through marital difficulties, go to somebody who is polyamorous.”
However, despite the valuable qualities of polyamory, Ellman pointed out that the practice is still largely unfamiliar and unaccepted by a society that is grounded in a heterosexual normative concept. Ellman does not know anyone at the University who is engaged in polyamory.
“But the people who practice polyamory swear by it,” said Stiritz. “They find that it is liberating, that it gives them a higher level of being. They love their freedom, the passion that they have in their loves, because they always have a new relationship starting.”