Student Life Archives

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Danforth University Police Department has made an arrest in the Myers burglaries case. After reviewing hours of security camera footage, the DUPD believes it has finally cracked the case. The prime suspect is Spider-Man.

“It all seems so simple now,” said Officer Slim Pickens. “Who else would have the spidey sense and wall-crawling abilities to get to all of those suites?”

Authorities are now looking for Spider-Man, but so far he has eluded capture.

“It’s a sticky situation, and we’re proceeding with utmost caution,” said Pickens.

Students are reacting to the news with mixed feelings. Sophomore Scooter Bresson was somewhat excited by the idea of the Marvel star entering his domicile.

“I mean, Spider-Man is the man. Or spider. Or whatever,” said Bresson. “The fact that he now has my stereo, well, I kind of feel honored.”

But most students just want their stuff back. Stolen goods included TVs, DVDs, stereo systems and in one reported case, a loofah.

DUPD will be working with Clayton officials to hopefully bring a swift end to this case. Spider Pig, who was formerly on the list of prime-rib suspects, has been released from custody.

Officials believe the motive behind these crimes is one of money.

“In his other life, Spider-Man is a freelance photographer, after all. He probably needs the money,” said sophomore Petery Park. “I hope my DVD player goes to a better place.”

Marvel Comics was not available for comment.

Stressing Danforth University’s commitment to the environment and a sustainable future, Chancellor Mark Wrighton announced plans to demolish the Danforth University Center at the end of this year in favor of a new building that will achieve an “enriched uranium” level of LEED certification.

The demolition of the current building is slated for August 1, several days after the building’s dedication ceremony. Wrighton said the new building is being torn down because it will be out of date by the time it is finished.

Construction of the new building is expected to take 14 years. According to Wrighton, the new University Center will move beyond the simple and sustainable materials that were used to construct the Danforth Center in favor of better, higher quality supplies.

“The new University Center will use supplies like seal skin and ivory that are durable and long-lasting,” said Wrighton during a press conference.

“Students have become used to the gaping hole in the ground and we would hate to disappoint them by opening a building that does not live up to their expectations,” he added.

Editor’s Note: This article was published in an April Fool’s Day edition of Student Life. Its content is not factual.

Wednesday, March 26

Noon a.m. DISTURBANCE-A WRINKLIN’ TIME CENTER-Student observed trying to change the time on the Clocktower. When approached, student became defensive and explained he was setting the time seven minutes late, so students would actually get to class on the hour. Disposition: cleared by arrest.

4:55 p.m. LARCENY-ATHLETIC COMPLEX-Bear suit missing, suspect apprehended on Bushyhead Track. Disposition: referred to a Furry meeting.

Thursday, February 29

2:22 a.m. INFORMATION ONLY REPORT-MYERS HOUSE-BME student arrested for trespassing at party in Myers dorm. When confronted, officer informed student he should be “studying for something.” Subsequent blood tests revealed elevated levels of optimism and happiness. Disposition: Student admitted to Olin Library.

Friday, March 28

3:46 p.m. GRAND THEFT SCOOTER-OUTSIDE OF HURD HOUSE-Student on pink scooter and DUPD Segway collided in slow-speed joy ride. Disposition: both parties referred to JA.

7:11 p.m. DRUG DISTRIBUTION-BEAUMONT HOUSE-Two students arrested for drug possession and distribution after entire building’s occupants were seen cavorting on the swamp in penguin outfits. Methamphetamine lab discovered next to root beer keg in Beaumont 118. Disposition: Pending.

Saturday, March 29

11:30 a.m. MEDICAL ASSIST-MAIN CAMPUS-Prospective student had seizure upon seeing a brown patch of grass. EST arrived, student announced he would not attend Wash. U. Disposition-cleared by paying the groundskeepers even less.

9:00 p.m. INDECENT EXPOSURE-WHISPERS CAFE, OLIN LIBRARY BATHROOMS, BEAR’S DEN, VILLAGE COMMONS, SOUTH 40 DORMS, NORTH SIDE DORMS, LOPATA HALL-Hundreds of posters displaying scantily clad students discovered across campus. Strategically placed signs did not hide fact that many of the students had no clothing on. Disposition: Love Your Body student group currently held under $700 bail.

Saturday, March 29

11:56 a.m. LARCENY-WHISPERS CAFE-Dell laptop left student unattended on desk. Student found missing upon return two hours later. Disposition: Under investigation.