Mild-mannered Clark Kent, Superman Photo CollectionDear Reader: This article appears as part of Student Life’s annual April Fool’s issue. Please don’t think anything in it is true. It’s all made up.
When junior Cameron Williams stands in the main entrance of the Athletic Center, he can do so knowing that he, not Athletic Director John Schael, is calling the shots. Cameron, once best known for his spectacular abs and his status as an All-American high jumper, is now the ringleader of a massive terrorist attack on Washington University’s campus. Williams, who prefers to be acknowledged only as “Super-flying Sweet-ass Ninja,” is responsible for subduing potential rabble-rousers and eliminating any potential threats to security.
“When Coach asked who was up for a clandestine operation like this one, it was really a no-brainer,” said Williams. “Who else can enter second-story windows by leaping? I was the clear candidate.”
Williams understands that the student body may not react positively to this act of aggression by the track and field team, but he thinks that it is past time for athletes to receive the attention and credit they deserve on campus.
“Student Libel doesn’t even cover our meets anymore. They say they are going to cover us on the back page, then there’s some stupid 50-word blurb in the middle. Nobody even knows we exist,” exclaimed Williams. “I bet half the kids on this campus couldn’t tell the difference between a high-jump and a naked woman. We will not back down until our simple demands are met: We want daily coverage in Student Libel, we want nationally televised meets and we want a burrito station to be placed in the Village dining area.”
“The track and field team has meets? Clearly there’s been a major misunderstanding,” said Student Libel Eater of Souls Justin Davidson in response to these wild, haphazard allegations. “I mean, didn’t we cover them once last year? Isn’t that enough?”
The assault on the Athletic Center began last night at approximately 2 a.m.. Dressed in all black with totally awesome crossed samurai swords strapped to his back, Cameron dispatched security cameras with wicked-sweet ninja-star throws. He then placed all potential enemies in the sleeper hold one by one and opened the doors for his fellow teammates to enter. Williams then ordered all javelin hurlers to the roof to act as sentries, and sent the distance runners to set up a perimeter of defense.
Junior Francis Xavier Flanagan, a former member of the practice squad and perhaps the fastest man alive, was glad he got out of there before things got sticky.
“I’ve seen this coming for a long time. It’s just not right. When I heard this plan was in the works last year, I decided I’d spend my entire junior year abroad in London to avoid the fallout,” he said. But Flanagan adamantly stated that while perhaps the attack isn’t justified, there is some truth to the team’s claims. “There’s just no way for the track team to co-exist with such poor coverage and non-existent fan support.”
Before beginning the attacks on the University, members of the track team approached sophomores Mohammed Al-Hafez and Mustafa Musad for advice.
“We were just walking through the Quad one day when a bunch of people wearing track suits came up to us and insisted that we help them carry out their terrorist plot. I didn’t even know what the hell they were talking about,” said Al-Hafez. “I mean, we’re from Nebraska. Just because we’re Muslim doesn’t make us terrorists.”
Despite their insistence that they knew nothing about terrorism, the track team members kept questioning them.
“They kept asking us where they can find Osama and who the members of our terrorist cell are, and wouldn’t believe us when we said we had no idea,” added Musad. “After a while we were tired of them so we just turned and pointed to the east. I think we pointed them in the right direction, but who really knows?”
After their successful takeover of the Athletic Center, the track and field team is currently in talks with a few new, “special” recruits from various University athletic teams to aid them in their relentless assault on Washington University’s campus. In addition to fireballer junior pitcher Laurel Sagartz, the track team has contacted members of the football team to act as mindless drones, members of the swimming team for aquatic stealth missions and members of the volleyball team for something to look at.
After hearing about these heinous attacks on the Midwest soil, President Bush was outraged.
“Aggression on this nation’s soil will not be tolerated,” he said from his Crawford, Texas ranch while attempting to do a Gentle Sudoku. “I hereby declare the United States’ involvement in Operation Marathon, a 26-step program to eliminate the evil-doers from the Washington University Athletic Center. We will not sleep until the threat is eliminated, a more trendy issue is found or we get tired – whichever comes first.”
University officials are projecting the takeover to be a long, drawn-out one that will not resolve itself any time soon. Persons wishing to work out or play a recreational sport are asked to stay at least 200 yards away from the Athletic Center at all times, lest ye face a javelin to the chest.