Dave McKeanTo the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
In an effort to enhance training procedures, Emergency Support Team (EST) has started injuring students to spice up their yearly disaster drill. Although previously EST has relied on “patients” to act out various injuries, EST President Robbie Paulson found that such measures simply did not prepare EST to deal with real life situations.
“You know the guy is faking it. You know it’s just ketchup,” said Paulson. “How is that going to help us in real life?”
EST teamed up with the psychology department to recruit disaster drill participants. Using the department’s Experimetrix Web site, through which students register for psychology experiments, EST added “Disaster Drill” as a possible option. Bob Jones, chair of the psychology department, saw this as an exciting opportunity for psychology students.
“It really gives students a hands-on way to study the psychology of pain and injury,” said Jones. “These things aren’t legal in a laboratory setting, but now we have this new field in which students can experience firsthand the mental processes that occur when you hurt really [expletive] bad.”
Students who sign up to participate in the EST drill will be accorded experiment credit in correlation with the severity of the injury inflicted by EST. A fractured finger translates into one half hour of credit, while a stomach pumping due to overconsumption of alcohol earns a student two credits.
So as to ensure that EST is responding to “emergency” situations, injured participants are unaware of when and where the injury will occur. So far, EST has enjoyed this new structure.
“There’s nothing more satisfying than the crunch of bone against wood,” said one EST member, spotted hiding behind the door to Center Court. “I’ve always loved helping people, and it just feels so good to patch kids up after I’ve beaten them senseless with my bat.”
While most of the injuries inflicted are knife and blunt object assaults, some EST members specializing in chemical and alcohol poisonings take a more subtle approach to the new harm/help training.
“I don’t like the whole smash-and-gauze technique; it’s so brutal, no technique or art,” said another EST member. “Injecting an unsuspecting participant with an overdose of alcohol without getting caught? That requires skill.”
There is no official limit to the amount of injury any member of EST may dish out, but they suggest each participant inflict as much harm as they feel they can adequately deal with, while taking into consideration the number of credits required. Nevertheless, talented medics are encouraged to take on more ambitious injuries.
Of course, every injury is made in complete confidence to protect the victim’s identity, and nobody’s parents will be notified.