Jeff Novack
MVP: Tim Duncan. He may be boring, but-well, he’s just boring.
Rookie of the Year: Andres Nocioni. If you follow one Argentine NBA player this year, follow Manu Ginobili. But if you follow two, look for Andres Nocioni. If you follow three, consider NBA journeyman Ruben Wolkowyski. And whatever you do, do not follow the Argentinean economic crisis-that’s just plain ugly. Your best bet is to just stick with the first two. Nocioni, a 6’7″ forward out of Argentina, has looked strong in pre-season play for the Bulls.
Most Improved Player: Mike Dunleavy. Free to man his natural small forward position and under the stewardship of young player-friendly coach Mike Montgomery, Dunleavy should flourish this season both as a scoring and passing threat. In the words of Sports Editor Joe Ciolli, “He’s always had the hair . . . now he’s got to show the flair.”
Surprise of the Season: In the wake of Carmelo Anthony’s marijuana possession bust, NBA officials discover drug use runs rampant among NBA players.
East Champ: Detroit Pistons. With all their most important players returning (yeah that’s right I did go there Mehmet Okur!), the Pistons should be loaded. Plus, they added Antonio McDyess which would give the Pistons one of the most talented and deepest front lines in the league-provided ‘Dice can stay healthy.
West Champ: San Antonio Spurs. It’s hard to pick against the Spurs, who should have a better inside-outside mix with the addition of perimeter threat Brent Barry.
NBA Champ: Pistons. While it’s difficult to pick against the Spurs, it’s even tougher to pick against a team with a guy named Chauncey on it.
Dan Novack
MVP: Dirk Nowitzki, F/C, Dallas. Dirk Diggler better be MVP, ’cause I picked the cold filtered German import first overall in my fantasy league. I’m in it to win it, baby!
Rookie of the Year: Dwight Howard, F, Orlando. Dwight Howard has already created a stir by requesting to stitch a cross onto his uniform, no doubt inspired by the WWJD wristbands worn by numerous NBA stars such as Allan Houston of the New York Knicks, Charlie Ward, formerly of the New York Knicks and former Laker great/virgin AC Green. Most historical basketball columnists agree that Jesus would probably have taken it to the hole for the hoop and the harm, consistent with his pattern of individual sacrifice for the greater good.
Most Improved Player: Because this is a basketball column, Ron Dayne does not count. Therefore, I’ll take Robert “Tractor” Traylor, who, like Ron Dayne of the New York Giants, has managed to haul down more doughnuts than any meaningful statistics.
Surprise of the Season: Lamar Odom’s excessive pot-smoking will take the edge off of Kobe Bryant, and Kobe will become content to become just a role player alongside a greater talent. Also, monkeys will fly out of my ass.
East Champ: Miami Heat. I can’t elaborate on this because Shaquille O’Neal paid me hush money not to say anything. I’m rich, beotch!
West Champ: Minnesota Timberwolves. Sam Cassell has a great jumpshot and testicles the size of grapefruits. In addition, center Michael Olowakandi has horrific body odor, opening up the court for Kevin Garnett.
NBA Champ: Heat. In related news, I just made another cool million.