Margaret BauerWith the United States Olympic basketball team struggling to a disappointing bronze finish, it is clear that American players have a lot to learn about international hoops. Many sports journalists that are far more knowledgeable, hardworking and legitimate than myself have attributed the “Dream Team”‘s failures to a multitude of shortcomings, including a lack of effort, teamwork and skill. In addition, the international game is very tricky, with strict traveling violations and a shorter three point arc, designed to give unathletic white players, such as myself, an easier time scoring points.
However, I believe that the most overlooked factor is that of trash talk. Many American players, such as Allen Iverson of the Philedelphia 76ers, can elevate their games when inspired by a friendly exchange of unpleasantries. Unfortunately, most foreign ballers wouldn’t know an “off-the-heezy” (slang for bouncing a basketball off of your opponent’s head) if it hit them in the face (literally).
As a veteran street baller of the suburbs of central New Jersey (represent- baby, BAY-bay!), most of my junk vocabulary is derived from playing NBA Street Volume 2 on Playstation 2, Spike Lee’s acclaimed film He Got Game, and various Foot Locker commercials. Though my trash knowledge is cursory at best, it is more than enough for me to make some wannabe balla look like a scrub.
Introduction out of the way, this is the Studlife Official Guide to Effectively Trash Talking Opponents, or “SOGETTO” for short, designed to assist Americans in belittling foreign players and more importantly, each other. The most important principle of junk speak is that it fulfils the purpose of making your opponent feel inferior while giving yourself a sense of bravado. An example of this would be something along the lines of “Dog, take a number, ’cause you about to get served.” (Translation: My game is superior to yours, and after your crushing defeat you will feel humiliated and ashamed.)
Once you get the hang of the basic concept of trash talk, you’ll need to diversify. This can be achieved with a simple play on words or the occasional f-bomb. Since this is a respectable publication, here are examples of some of the better lines to drop on your next victim: “Yo, they call me the calculator, ’cause I’m the cat you can count on”, “Bro, you like a dirty rug, ’cause you always getting beat!”, and lastly, “They call me airline food, cause I’m nasty in the air!” As you can see, the play on words follows a basic formula of giving yourself or the opponent a nickname, and then proceeding to justify it with a clever pun. Once your trash is varied and intellectually stimulating, it’s time for advanced trash mechanics. This involves a personal attack on your opponent.
The best route is usually to find out the names of your opponent’s family members and claim that you slept with them. For those not into research, use a general statement such as telling them how much you enjoyed their momma’s company the night before. For the truly classy, offer to your bewildered opponent a pair of women’s undergarments as “proof” of the encounter. For the truly demented, offer a pair of men’s underpants as proof of the encounter.
Having mastered trash talk, it’s time to tackle the challenge of engaging those who do not speak English during international competition. From my personal experience talking junk in another language, i.e. high school Spanish class, it’s all about getting back to basics. Sadly, the airline food line does not carry quite the same significance when translated into the Spanish “me llaman comida de la linea aerea, porque soy repugnante en el aire.” This means that the best approach is to keep it simple, such as a simple “tu es horible, soy increible” (you are horible, I am incredible), which also serves as an example of how easy it is to rhyme when speaking junk in one of the romance languages. If you really want to impress your opponent with your scholarliness, you may want to try Latin. A quick jibe of “This language is dead and so are you” will not only dishearten your opponent but impress him with your mastery of classics.
In retrospect, it’s difficult to speculate whether or not trash talking would have given our men’s basketball team the edge they needed over Argentina, though it’s clear that it would have helped. In the Olympics to come, we as Americans must make an effort to train our mouths as much as our bodies and minds. I can envision a future in which a dialect coach sits alongside an assistant coach, one where I can confidently tell Yao Ming that he has brought great shame and dishonor upon his family in his own tongue. (As well as that I slept with his mother.) Until then, I’ll be throwing barbs down at the South 40 basketball courts.