With Passover coming to an end, Jews across campus will breathe a collective sigh of relief as they can return to their regular diets. But the end of Passover is not welcome news for everyone. For matzah manufacturers, like Manischewitz, the end of Passover means a steep drop in revenue since a large number of their products are not viable after Passover season. But what’s a matzah-maker to do?
The answer is simple: moichendize. moichendize: n. the sale of products only marginally related to a property. Synonym: promotional merchandise. Example: the Spaceballs Flamethrower.
Other baked goods makers have used this formula before-most notably in Wheaties’ use of athletes for promotional boxes. While Wheaties has all but cornered the market on celebrity athletes, there is one avenue left unexplored- Jewish athletes. With a lineup of stars that could include the likes of Lenny Krayzelburg, Shawn Green and Jay Fiedler (yes THE Jay Fiedler), failure would not be possible. And with that in mind, I present to you your Manischewitz Box All-Stars- the Jewish athletes who under my plan would grace the covers of Manischewitz products. After all, what Jew could turn down the opportunity to promote a company that has stood for fine kosher products since 1888?
For its flagship matzah line, L.A. Dodger Shawn Green seems like the natural choice. Mimicking the Wheaties formula, Green could appear on a whole new line of breakfast matzah cereals. I know as a Jew that it would be difficult to resist my favorite cereals remade with matzah and re-branded with names like Shawn Green’s Rabbi Crunch or Sandy Koufax’s Cinnamon Toast Matzah. Remember, Rabbi Crunch is the cereal with the delicious tiny marshmallow tchockes and real matzah squares. Each box could also include a Passover sports-themed action figure-Rabbi Crunch with NBA Commissioner David Stern! Collect all three Jewish professional sports commissioners- Selig, Stern and Bettman! On the back of the box, as is typical of most cereals, there could be games for children to play. For instance, you could include a maze problem where children are challenged to guide the Jews through the desert: it took Moses 40 years to lead the Jews, how long will it take you?
While the polite and mild-mannered Shawn Green would be an appropriate choice for matzah promotion, some products need a tougher, edgier personality. One such product is gefilte fish. For those unfamiliar with the gefilte (don’t feel bad, you’re probably better off), it is not a real fish. Rather, it is the proverbial hot dog of the fish world. Fortunately, there is an athlete that measures up- professional wrestling’s Bill Goldberg. Only Goldberg would have the presence and stature to convince someone to eat gefilte fish.
These steps would obviously help create demand in Manischewitz products during the off-season. But there are also steps that could help spur demand in non-traditional Manischewitz consumers. Seizing on the retro jersey craze, Manischewitz could hire a team of retired Jewish sports greats and create a series of Team Manischewitz retro jerseys. With the right marketing, the jerseys of Dolph Schayes, Larry Brown and Hank Greenberg would quickly outsell even the most popular of retro jerseys. This could be coupled with a new line of Manischewitz 40’s (for your kosher homies in the deli in the sky) to appeal to the previously untapped urban market.
With these new strategies, Manischewitz could usher in a new golden era of profitability. And don’t even get me started on what they could do for Tu’bishvat.