It was a fateful New Years’ Eve when sports editor Joe Ciolli happened upon University of Illinois power forward James Augustine on the Illinois campus. Dissatisfied with Augustine’s recent performance against the University of Illinois-Chicago, Ciolli decided to try some “motivational” techniques in an attempt to inspire the struggling player. What ensued was a maelstrom of shouting and trash talking – coming entirely from Ciolli’s end – that included such barbs as “you’ve got the NBA body, James, but you ain’t got no jumper, playa.” Taking the high road, Augustine eventually walked away, saving Ciolli from certain demise. Below is a table comparing Ciolli and Augustine’s strengths and weaknesses…the result probably won’t surprise you.
Name: James Augustine
Birthdate: 02/27/1984
Hometown: Mokena, IL
Height: 6’10”
Weight: 225
Sports Background: Starting forward for the University of Illinois Fighting Illini. He averaged 9.6 points and 7.3 rebound per game during the 2003-2004 campaign.
Described by major publication as: ESPN.COM calls Augustine, “An energetic low post presence that plays with unusual energy and tenacity at 6-10.”
Name: Joe Ciolli
Birthdate: 04/02/1984
Hometown: Champaign, IL
Height: 5’9″
Weight: 170
Sports Background: Once a Washington University soccer player, now widely regarded as the most injury-prone athlete in school history. The injury tally: two broken hips, a torn MCL and two reconstructive knee surgeries.
Described by major publication as: Student Life calls Ciolli, “A feisty, energetic news-room presence with a reputation for spirited verbal repartee. A man of wide-ranging and eclectic tastes – he cites Kids, the Mighty Ducks and Three Ninjas as some of his favorite movies.”
Outcome:
Augustine obviously possesses the physical advantage and would probably emerge the victor in hand-to-hand combat. However, it is clear that Ciolli is in Augustine’s head. After his team lost to Duke in the Sweet 16, Augustine has reportedly entered hiding for fear of another one of Ciolli’s verbal lashings.