So Kobe Bryant thinks the Lakers are his team? As Vizzini from “The Princess Bride” would say: Inconceivable! As Jeff Novack would say: Is there anything stuck between my teeth?
Ever since Shaquille Rashaun O’Neal set foot in Tinseltown, he has been the focal point of the Lakers’ attack. His righteous posterior allows him to physically dominate anyone who crosses his path. Kobe better recognize how damaging Shaq Fu can be when angered. Just listen to his rap albums.
The Big Aristotle was out of shape last year, and thus, the Lakers lost. This illustrates Shaq’s unique importance. His butt got so big that it reminded me of J-Lo…not that I was looking at the Diesel’s dumper.
Everybody knows that Kobe has his problems off the court. But on the court, comparisons to Shaq’s stature are as laughable as some of the terrible shots Bryant attempts. Kobe’s field goal percentage last season was .451. Shaq’s lowest field goal percentage as a professional baller was .557. Yet Kobe took five more shots per game than Shaq, because Bryant is a ball hog of the Jeff Novack ilk.
Kobe Bryant (or as I like to call him, Mr. Vanessa Bryant, the lucky bastard) has said that he wants to opt out of his current deal, but only the Lakers can hand him a max contract. I guess with Shaq ready to sign an extension, Kobe wants to go someplace where he is The Man.
Without Shaq drawing constant double- and triple-teams, watch Kobe struggle to win. Watch his field goal percentage plummet like Enron stock. But most of all, watch Kobe Bryant become as useless as the Lily of the Valley scented candles Jeff bought for those special occasions.