Pop quiz: What has emerged as the easiest and most rewarding way to increase mass in selected muscles? If you’re thinking of Elongate, get your head out of the gutter. If you’re pondering a good old-fashioned work-out, grab your Members Only jacket and please return to the 1980s.
What I’m talking about is tetrahydrogestrinone (THG), the hottest new steroid on the market. Originally thought to be virtually undetectable, THG was first synthesized in an underground sports-enhancement laboratory whose name remains anonymous to the public. Since oil-based THG is applied under one’s tongue, it would not be picked up by current drug tests. Recently, with the development of new testing techniques, this laboratory’s cover has been blown and a full investigation has been launched. Three world class track and field athletes have been called to testify and approximately 40 others from various sports are expected to be subpoenaed.
So what kind of an impact is this so-called “conspiracy involving chemists, coaches and certain athletes to defraud their competitors” going to have on American professional sports? The jury is still out on how many athletes have been using THG, but in a day and age when an athlete will do anything to get a step up on the competition, the information that comes out could be startling.
Imagine Cubs’ infielder Sammy Sosa, who has already been caught corking his bat, trying to defend himself against THG-use allegations.
(In indecipherable Dominican accent:) “I went to the team medicine cabinet to get my Flintstones vitamins, but I grabbed the wrong bottle. And then, just for fun, I put the pill under my tongue and let it dissolve.” (Kiss two fingers, pound chest, repeat.)
Take boxer Ray Lewis as another example. Lewis, who in 2000 was charged with murder but later had the charges dropped dueto obstruction of justice, is also on thin ice. His explanation would be just as pathetic as Sosa’s.
(With do-rag on:) “Although THG was found on the seats in my car and in my hotel room, I can assure you that my gang-banging friends purchased the steroids and forced them into my mouth.”
While athletes like Sosa and Lewis are still presumed innocent at this early stage, another question should be addressed: Why do athletes that are already so gifted find it necessary to use drugs like THG?
The answer, as touched upon before, is to gain some sort of edge over competing athletes. An increasing number of participants in sports are receiving top-tier coaching, specializing at younger ages, and using highly elaborate programs to work out. This leads to more qualified athletes fighting over fewer spots.
Another motive to consider is peer pressure. When athletes see teammates doing drugs such as THG, they are more likely to begin using. With performance-enhancing substances circulating around locker rooms, an athlete will be almost certain to come in contact with such drugs at one point or another.
Younger athletes are also quite susceptible to performance enhancers such as THG. This comes as a result of pressure coming from parents. Take this hypothetical situation between basketball legend Bill Walton and his NBA rookie son, Luke.
Bill: “Son, you should start using THG.”
Luke: “Why, Dad? It’s illegal.”
Bill: “Don’t you know that Jerry Garcia used to drop capsules under his tongue?”
Luke: “Dad, that’s horrible. What would John Wooden say?”
Bill: “Who cares, long live the Dead.”
Luke: “Good point, I’ll start using.”
All of these reasons aside, using illegal performance-enhancing drugs is inexcusable. Getting a leg up on your opponents is one thing, but doing so unfairly detracts from the competitive spirit of athletics. As more information comes out on this THG bust, we could very well see some of our most heralded athletes tarnish their reputations.
My advice to them: stop the juicing, grab your Flock of Seagulls CD, throw on your Gant sweater, and hit the weight room for a good, old-fashioned workout.