Mitch WilliamsTo the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
If you have been to any Washington University home sporting event, chances are you have seen one of the Bears’ biggest fans in action.
No, this crazy does not paint his chest or shave his head, but for God’s sake, he invented the glow stick!
Chancellor Mark S. Wrighton, despite any discernable knowledge of any mainstream sport, can be spotted at nearly every home sporting event.
The mild-mannered, soft-spoken Chancellor explains his love of sports: “When I go to watch the ‘orange ball and tiny rim’ sport, I am in awe of these student-athletes’ physical faculties. Once, the powerful forward was able to convert a dunk shot in the face of intense defensive efforts by his opponent. The entire WU community supports his heroic efforts.”
Basketball is not the only sport in which Wrighton has taken a vested interest. He was at the 50-yard line to witness every home game of the 2002 football season as well.
“The ‘men in tight pants’ sport is also quite intriguing,” Wrighton ruminates. “I especially appreciate the quarterback’s great ability to throw for touchups and run into the zone to score field points on his team’s behalf. The entire WU community supports these truly laudable pursuits.”
One might think that a man of Wrighton’s stature would insist on special treatment at sporting events, separating himself from the common man by sitting in luxury boxes or exclusive courtside seats. However, this is simply not the case.
“No, no, I’m right out there with the hoi polloi,” Wrighton said. “Sometimes I hear jeers from fans of the opposing school. I’m not afraid to mix it up, either. I’ll go low-brow. I’m not afraid to say it. I’ve laid down my share of off-the-field smack over the years.”
Some of Wrighton’s favorite smack-downs incude, “Your son will never be named to the President’s special council on science!” and “You shoot the orange ball like a grandmother would!”
Whether he’s on the hardwood or at the old ballgame, Wrighton does not let his seeming lack of any sports knowledge degrade his viewing experience.
“I think our community can rally around the great athletic teams at WU. They are a top-notch group of athletes at a world-class research institution,” Wrighton said. “And one of these days, I’m going to figure out just what the hell they are doing out there.”