Alyssa GregoryTo the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
Swimmers stroke their way to happiness
The Washington University men’s and women’s swimming and diving teams have finally reached one of their season-long goals. They are now eligible to compete in the B-class Provisional Midwest Division All-Regional meet.
The Bears will expect their normal fan support at the All-Regional meet to be held this weekend at the Athletic Complex.
“Fan support has been great all year,” freshman Jacob Lorelson said. “I mean, yeah, you can’t really hear people cheering for you that well when you’re underwater, but we know you’re out there pulling for us… even if we don’t see you.”
Swamp to get retractable roof
The patch of grass on the South 40, affectionately known as “The Swamp,” will soon have a roof over its head.
WU administrators have plans to build a retractable roof that will span the area from Wohl to the basketball courts. Citing the amount of money needed each year to re-sod the muddy field, administrators feel that it would be more cost effective to spend $300 million and rectify the problem once and for all.
“I think, in the end, WU will come out on top financially in this deal,” said South 40 manager Jim Severine. “This is a one-time cost, whereas the other cost was occurring every year.”
There are potential drawbacks to the plan of having a roof.
Since the roof will not allow equal sunlight along the entire field, administrators have said there will be many dead patches where there is nothing but dirt.
“We’ve already looked into that problem,” Severine said. “There’s a simple solution… we’re renaming the area ‘the Desert.'”
SCF forms new club
The Sports Club Federation (SCF) has graciously decided to fund a new club sport on campus this semester. Thanks to SCF’s charitable donations, the WU community is proud to welcome its newest club sport: the Ultimate Fighting Club.
Founding member and president, Robbie Blakely, a member of Liggett 3, describes the club as “a really legitimate way to get out some pent up aggressions.”
The club will hold its first official “rumble” next Saturday at Heman Park in University City. The club now includes several members from Blakely’s native Liggett 3 as well as, “some other guys that rushed Kappa Sig with me but didn’t get in.”
Students interested in joining SCF’s latest venture should contact Blakely via e-mail and send in video of themselves, preferably destroying a pumpkin or other large vegetable.
“We’re not too selective,” says Blakely. “We’re just looking for people who want to beat the crap out of each other… for the love of the game.”
South 40 not quite 40 acres
An independent commission chartered by Dean of Students Justin X.Y.Z. Carroll has found that the area south of the hilltop campus, long known as the “South 40” because of its 40-acre size, is actually only 37.5 acres.
“This is a monumental finding,” Carroll said. “We’re going to have to think hard about how we’re going to phase in the name change.”
Basketball players step down
In a surprising act of solidarity, all 21 members of the Washington University men’s basketball team have stepped down, refusing to play for the school next season. The unprecedented act came in response to the school’s decision to kick junior point guard Matthew Levine off of the team.
Levine, a junior college transfer student from Cloud County Community College (CCCC) was admitted to the university with only a Sandwich Artist’s certificate rather than a legitimate degree from a two-year college. In response to this information surfacing, Athletic Director John Shale-Bopp had no option but to remove Levine from the team.
“You wait until the facts come out on this one. You just wait,” Shale-Bopp said. “Matty Levine is a good kid, and it is not our policy to admit Sandwich Artists into this university.”
“Matty was averaging like 31 points a game for us,” captain Jerry Bishop said. “Telling us that he’s off the team now is a major slap in the face.”