To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
By Dan ilo de las Casas Buenas
The Washington University tree-ascending club team travelled to Burkina Faso last weekend to compete in the World Blue Spruce Ascending Championships only to find that there are no trees in the Sahara Desert.
“We maybe should have thought of that beforehand,” said senior team captain Stewart Shimmy. “But we were ready to give 100 percent.”
The Bears, one of the only club tree-ascending squads in the country, had grown tired of the oaks around WU and shifted their gaze to loftier goals.
However, upon arrival in Burkina Faso, they discovered that their grueling practices, sexy spandex warm-ups, and rousing team spirit would only get them so far.
“It was tough,” said sophomore sensation Dudley Errhectar. “I wanted to touch the sky and everything was so flat. I felt used and cheated.”
No one on the roster could remember particulary how or why the decision to travel to Burkina Faso had been made, but team members agreeed that it had been reached on the night of the team’s unofficial party.
The squad did make the best of the situation in Burkina Faso by locating a nearby McDonald’s and teaching new found friends about the joy of ascending trees.
“They didn’t seem to understand,” said Shimmy. “But the french fries there had a rather pleasing crunchiness.”
Next up the Bears look to return to a more wooded area in search of new adventures. This is one team that seeks to move in an upward direction – literally.
“Don’t call us climbers,” said Shimmy. “We aren’t no dumb kids. What we do is ascend trees beautifully and intelligently in the true spirit of athletic harmony”.
Having canoed across the Atlantic to save funds due to recent Sports Club Federation cutbacks, the WU tree-ascending team is extpected to arrive stateside in four or five weeks depending on weather conditions.