To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
Washington University baseball, long suffering from poor attendance, is about to get a boost-a really big boost. That is if the B+ referendum, which would provide funding for a state of the art ballpark facility to be constructed on what is now the IM fields, passes in a campus wide referendum today.
The new 400 million dollar facility set to host baseball home games as well as IM events (on a limited basis) would take 2 years to complete and effectively close Shepley drive to all but pedestrian traffic permanently. The plan would be paid for by a “creative” combination of monies contributed by the University (the portion to be voted on today), the City of Clayton, the State of Missouri, and a naming rights deal with TWA (the bankrupt airline).
Preliminary plans show the stadium incorporating the historic Eliot dormitory as a “signature feature” of the left field line. The current dormitory will be converted into a mixed use development that will have skyboxes, a bar, a massage parlor, and some limited dorm space (room enough for 50 students). The ballpark will also include a down sloping center field sure to create some interesting fielding chances for outfielders. Architects have also indicated that a swimming pool will be constructed behind that will be rented out on a game by game basis for a small nominal charge (10,000 bucks).
The ballpark will also include some 80 skyboxes, to maximize revenue for the University which looks to make a killing. Yet, troubling issues abound with the project like where will WU baseball find the fans to fill the park. Currently, WU baseball averages 60 fans a game which would translate into 1 fan a section. Furthermore, to construct the facility many student would have to be displaced from their dorms, but Chancellor Wrighton maintains that “these will only be small inconveniences when compared to the large amount to be gained from such a facility. If the students have no housing they can sleep in the bleachers.”
Despite weeks of relentless protests that have included such lude acts such as boycotting sporting events and human chains in front of the chancellor’s office, current exit polls indicate that the ballpark initiative should pass relatively easily.
This is no surprise considering that proponents of the plan have spent some 20 million dollars buying off students’ votes and city support to ensure that WU gets the new baseball stadium it desperately needs.
According to head baseball coach Ric Lessmann, “the new ballpark will ensure that WU would be a national baseball power to be reckoned with in the years to come.”
WU Athletic Director John Schael added that “the new ballpark will give WU a recruiting tool that not even the top programs like Florida State and Stanford have.
Furthermore, the ballpark will revitalize the downtrodden South 40 and provide our students with a world class facility to cherish and enjoy.”
All in all the ballpark project looks to unite the Washington University community like nothing since the Thinker on a Rock appeared at Mallinckrodt. Despite the fact that major concerns like parking, a fan base, and alternative student accommodations on the Forty have not been addressed as of yet, the brain trust behind this project do not seem the least bit phased. Instead, they shrug off the concerns saying, “If we build it, everything will work out fine.”