To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
Star third-string quarterback Jonathan “Butch” Thompson disappointed many this weekend when he fumbled his attempt to reach the end zone with freshman and Rubelmann Hall resident Laura “The Tease” Gold.
“I just don’t understand it,” said Thompson. “Everything was going good. Baby Got Back was playing, there was a pleasant aroma of beer in the air, I should have been able to hook up with her.”
Unfortunately, like his game on the field, Thompson’s game off the field lacked follow-through. Despite bringing the underage Gold several adult beverages and complimenting her black pants, Thompson was trapped in the dance area of Phi Delta Theta. When Gold turned down Thompson’s offer to come to his room and “have a few shots and just get to know each other,” Thompson’s killer competitive instincts kicked in.
“I knew what I had to do,” said Thompson, confidently. “So I turned on the charm and then I used my secret weapon – I told her I was on the football team.”
With such solid play, Thompson appeared to be dancing towards the goal line. Then disaster struck. The underdog came back with a trick play that left Gold giggling so hard she nearly spilled her Natty Light.
“He’s such a funny guy,” said Gold. “We don’t even have a football team.”
At first Thompson assumed the laughter meant success.
“I thought I was in,” said Thompson. “I went to go tell my roommate to let me have the room. Of course I told her I was grabbing one last beer.”
Thompson’s victory dance would come one down too soon as the clock wound down and 2 a.m. was fast approaching. The music cut off in the middle of Back That Ass Up and Thompson returned to claim his victory prize. He was in time to see Gold make a dash for the door.
“Butch, you’re such a funny guy. I mean a football player? Do you have games and everything? ,” said Gold with further giggles. “Sorry, but my friend’s puking and I have to take her home. Bye!”
Thompson spent the rest of the evening being consoled by his teammates and one Jack Daniels, while muttering to himself, “we do too have a football team.”
His teammates are optimistic about match-ups in the future.
“Yeah, Butch has to work on his game, but I’m sure he’ll get some play next weekend,” said junior lineman Doug Stone. “We’re having punch.”