Web MasterBaseball tonight – the natty light of tv
Watching TV is easy and fun. You can do it while eating lunch, playing a card game or working on a problem set.
And it makes you dumber. That’s fun. We all like to make ourselves dumber (or else we wouldn’t have chugged eight Natty Lights in a row before heading out to the Rat last night).
What’s that you say? You don’t want to become dumber? Then you better stop watching TV. Or, if that’s too much withdrawal for you, then at least start with ESPN’s Baseball Tonight, because it just might be the worst offender out there, at least for sports fans. Studies have shown that listening to one Baseball Tonight commentator for five minutes kills as many cerebral brain cells as two Natty Lights, one shot of Jose, and a joint.
But maybe you just can’t do without your Baseball Tonight, in which case here are a few brief translations that should help you decipher what Harold Reynolds is really telling you:
“Player X has played well since a certain date because of Reason Y.” Common recent uses: Scott Rolen’s performance since Larry Bowa challenged his manhood, and Boston’s performance since Jimy Williams was fired. Translation: Player X has played well because he’s a good player.and, well, that’s all we know. Maybe he’s been facing a lot of fifth starters lately, or he switched to a corked bat, or maybe the bloopers are falling in. Or maybe the analyst actually is right, because Rolen got angry and started hitting the weights a little more. The point is, we can’t know. To use geek terms, correlation does not mean causality.
“Bret Boone is the AL MVP because he has a lot of RBI.” Translation: Boone has a lot of RBI because he’s having a solid year (a .956 OPS) in the middle of the best lineup in the majors. This makes him about as valuable as Juan Gonzalez (.985 OPS at a less demanding defensive position), which leaves him comfortably behind the Giambi-Rodriguez-Thome crowd in the MVP race.
“Great:” As in, “Tony Muser is doing a great job in Kansas City this year.” Translation: This word means absolutely nothing. Analysts will apply it to anyone and everyone, regardless of performance, because they need to fill air time without hurting anyone’s feelings. Hurt feelings mean angry players and managers, which means less access for ESPN.
(Brief aside: A fun drinking game would be the Great Baseball Tonight drinking game. It’s simple. Every time an analyst uses the word “great,” or certain synonyms like “outstanding” or “terrific,” you drink. Let the Natty Light flow like water – all comparisons between Natty Light and water aside).
“Joe Blow deserves MVP consideration in the National League this year.” Translation: No he doesn’t. Barry Bonds deserves consideration, and Joe Blow deserves a hearty handshake. Joe Blow might be having a good season, but Bonds is having one of the top three seasons in baseball history. This should probably be another MLBeat altogether.
“On Sunday we’ll have a special hour-long edition of Baseball Tonight with extra analysis.” Translation: On Sunday we have a lot of ads to air, so on Sunday we’ll try to take up that extra air time with as many “Greats” and “Outstandings” as possible. Buy an extra case of Natty Light for this one.