Web Master Charles Bronson has a death wish. Chuck Norris was a Texas Ranger just like Rafael Palmeiro, but he never played for Johnny Oates. Phil Jackson coached Michael Jordan, but not any other White Sox like Jose Valentin. Rick Adelman is an NBA coach as well. Let’s do a big string of Yankees so we can get them out of the way: Dave Winfield, Ron Guidry, Reggie Jackson, Catfish Hunter, and someone who served them both as a player and a coach, Billy Martin. Vince Coleman once played for a New York team (the Mets) until one day when his career went “Pop!” Speaking of pops, why not the late-great Willie Stargell? Another member of the 500 home run club is Mike Schmidt. Wade Boggs never hit many home runs (his career high was 24 in 1987), but he did have 200 hits seven years in a row. Bernie was a dead guy in the smash eighties hit, “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Former speedster Davey Lopes is currently managing the Milwaukee Brewers. Robin Yount, a member of the Hall of Fame and the 3,000-hit club, is perhaps the most famous Brewer. Phil Garner, a.k.a. Scrap Iron, used to manage the Brewers until he got fired and went east to work for the Detroit Tigers.
John Travolta had a very small part as a military man on a gunboat in the far east in the vastly underrated movie “The Thin Red Line”. As good as “TRL” was, Pierce Patchett peddled high-class hookers in an even better movie, “L.A. Confidential.”
Barry Bonds is by no means the best hitting left-fielder of all time. There’s no way Donnie Brasco could have been a rat. Doyle Alexander was an all-star with the Tigers in 1988. Stuart Scott says, “Boo-yah.” Abner Doubleday invented the darn game (well, he didn’t really.) Dan Quisenberry dropped down low and went by the nickname “The Quiz.” Randy Johnson is better known for his mullet. Jamie Foxx has come a long way since “In Living Color.” Terry Bevington skippered the Sox in the nineties, to no avail. Jayson Stark, you’d better straighten up, buddy. Wilford Brimley is the oatmeal guy but he managed the New York Knights in “The Natural.” Jeff Reboulet wants to be a big league manager one day. John Franco wears a New York City Sanitation Dept. T-shirt under his jersey. Leo Mazzone rocks back and forth and back and forth. Cliffy Claven might share a beer at Cheers with Boston Red Sox reliever Rod Beck.
William Howard Taft was the portliest president this country ever had. I heard he once got stuck in the presidential bathtub. While we’re on the topic of world leaders, let’s take a swing at Yasser Arafat, Teddy Roosevelt, Joseph Stalin, Saddam Hussein, and someone who once tried out to make baseball’s Cincinnati Reds, Fidel Castro. General George Armstrong Custer wasn’t a world leader, but he was the leader of an army. Captain Hook was a dangerous guy. So was Dick Butkus. Dan Dierdorf.less so. With a good back, Larry Bird could have taken virtually anyone. In this department, Rollie Fingers was practically second to none.
Bruce Bochy took the Padres to the World Series in 1998. Jim Leyland stole a smoke in the visitors’ dugout. Groucho Marx was a funny man. Wait! You mean that was Bobby Valentine in the dugout that day? Don Baylor leads the majors in career hit by pitches. Bill Buckner once played for the Cubs, but people should remember him as the leftfielder who watched number 715 soar over the left field fence in Atlanta. David Crosby and Arlo Guthrie look a little bit alike, don’t they?
Keith Hernandez was held accountable for a spitting in one of the best television shows of all time. Remember Frank Costanza? Tom Selleck starred in that classic hardball film “Mr. Baseball”. The Iron Sheik used to give Hulk Hogan fits, but that was a long time ago. Phil Esposito’s one of the few hockey players eligible for this list. Pat Hentgen’s here, which says something. Ned Flanders comes all the way from Springfield, Whatever. Charlie Chaplin’s here as is Weird Al Yankovic.
I can’t believe that Tim “Rock” Raines is back in baseball, much less with the Expos. Cecil Fielder played north of the border with the Blue Jays and west of the border in Japan before making his name by hitting 51 homers in 1990 with the Tigers. Joe Carter, though, will always be remembered as a Blue Jay. Kirk Gibson played with the Tigers for a while, but his dinger off of “Upper Deck” Eckersley makes his trot in a Dodgers uniform quite memorable. Ron Cey, a.k.a. “The Penguin,” played in LA for 12 years before joining Andre Dawson, Leon Durham, Greg Maddux, and the rest of the Cubbies. Evander Holyfield is the 50th best fighter in the world. No, scratch that, in the state of Georgia.
Lightning round: ESPN’s Joe Morgan and Harold Reynolds, old timers Cap Anson, Dan Brouthers, John Clarkson, Buck Ewing and King Kelly, Tony Eusebio, The Ken Griffeys, Terrence Long, Derek Bell, Jeff Nelson, Shawon Dunston, “The Professional Hitter” Matt Stairs, Players Union guy Marvin Miler, Dale Earnhardt, Thurman Munson, Richard Pryor, Kevin Greene, Jesse Jackson, Eric Clapton, Cito Gaston, Todd Jones, Cary Elweis, Richard Ruland, Joel Kerrigan, Sean Penn, Willie McGee and Joe Mama.