To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
Wilson’s Record Gets Slimmer
Remember last year when the Elias Sports Bureau announced that Hack Wilson’s runs batted in total for the season of 1930 was actually 191 instead of 190, this increasing by one the Major League Baseball record for RBI’s in one season? Well, the ESB has reneged that statment and announced that his RBI total for the season of 1930 really should be 190, as it was originally believed to be for around seventy years.
Last year, while cleaning out their offices, the ESB noticed that one run batted in had somehow gotten loose from Wilson’s season total and was hiding at the back of the filing cabinet. An intern digitizing all statistics discovered the little critter asleep in the back of the cabinet.
“Just between you and me,” said the RBI. “I’m the 37th RBI of Hack Wilson’s 1930 season. I’ve been
hanging out, just chilling, keeping it real you know.”
“How were you scored,” asked the intern.
“Well, old Hack came up in the second inning and grounded a ball to deep short. The bases were full when Hack got up, and there weren’t any outs. The run from third scored. That was me.”
The intern reported this story to his boss and thus RBI number 191 was restored.
This week, the RBI was checked into a local insane asylum and in a deep psychiatric session, he revealed the truth. “I was scored on an error,” he said. “I don’t even count! I’m worthless to the world. I just wanted to be an RBI..Am I still eligible for the Hall of Fame?”
Commissioner Bud Alan Jackson Selig had this to say: “Uh, there’s no effing way he’s getting into the Hall of Fame, I don’t care how many hits he had.”
The RBI total has been readjusted to 190 and the run scored on an error is still receiving therapy.
Derek Jeter Is Proclaimed Best Player Ever
Folks, the debate is over. Many have believed it to be true for years, but today Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has been proclaimed the best player ever to play baseball in the history of the world. To that end, the Proclamations Committee has also declared a law that no future player can be considered greater than the slick-fielding, big-hitting, four-time championship winning shortstop wearing jersey number four.
The Yankees have shown their support for the notion by retiring not only Jeter’s number 2 jersey, but deciding to give the hike to history and retire jersey numbers 1, 3 and 4 in recognition of Jeter’s greatness as well. Jeter was honored before the game and had this to say:
“Today.Today. I consider myself.myself. the greatest player .the greatest player.in the history of the world.the world.”
Jeter said that the numbers speak for themselves.
“I mean last year, my fielding range ranked last in baseball among all regulars (at 4.12, behind TONY WOMACK’s 4.21; Tampa Bay’s Felix Martinez led all shortstops with a 5.67), but who cares, right? Plus, I’ve got two league-leading totals to my credit, one when I got 219 hits to lead the league in ’99 and then the other when I lead the league in ’98 with 127 runs scored. That’s what I call dominance.”
The Proclamations Committee, consisting of Jayson Stark, several other Yankees fans and pitcher Andy Pettitte explained its decision.
“Let me talk,” said Stark. “You can’t argue with championships!”
One of the Yankees fans said: “Man, Jeter is clutch.”
A Red Sox fan attending the announcement was yelling things from the back of the room.
“He’s only driven in 100 runs once!”
That Sox fan then got heckled out of the room. People chided him with taunts of “Nomar! Nomar!”
At least Jeter doesn’t get hurt, they told him. Well, except for this year when it looks likely that he’ll start the year on the disabled list. Between the Yankees next championship and now, the Committee will have time to prepare another award for Jeter to get next offseason. One American league general manager who spoke on the condition that I write a very vague article said, “We’re thinking that it’s pretty clear by now that Derek Jeter is also the best person ever. Period.”
Mariah Carey could not be reached for comment.
Athlete Avoids Clich‚
Earlier today Joe Athlete made it through an entire press conference without sporting one single identifiable clich‚. What’s even more amazing is that it came at a conference where Athlete announced he would sign a 16-year, 1.7 billion dollar contract with the Texaco Strangers.
“Um, I think I’m going to spend my money on pizza and beer,” said Athlete. “Also, my guess is that I’m going to buy a big house and a fast car. I can’t say that we’re going to win here, but that’s not really the point either, is it? I just can’t believe I’m getting all of this money.”
A Student Libel reporter asked Athlete if the game had become all about the money.
“I think it has,” said Athlete. “It’s all about the money.”
Athlete can’t guarantee that this pay increase means that he’s going to be playing at a higher level , since more will be expected of him.
“Well, I like to keep things on an even keel, you know,” Athlete said. “Why walk up stairs when what you want’s on the main level?”
Athlete is also now the de facto owner of the team.
“I’m thinking about moving to L.A.,” he said. “I got some friends in the film business. We’ll give the Dodgers a run.”
The Dodgers currently rank first overall in the majors in revenue. The Yankees are second and George Steinbrenner is pissed!
Ankiel Hits Bull Mascot
Down in the minor leagues as a member of the AAA Durham Bulls, Rick Ankiel threw a wild pitch and hit the bull mascot in the head. He said he did not do it on purpose.
Bulls catcher Mike Matheny leapt up from behind home plate and yelled, “He hit the f*cking bull!”
Ankiel, recently traded to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays organization for Brent Abernathy and Esteban Yan said, “I wasn’t breathing through my gills.”
Chuck Knoblauch could not be reached for comment. Neither could Steve Blass.