To the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
An official Washington University announcement dispatched on Thursday proclaimed WU head basketball coach Nancy Fahey the undisputed savior of the women’s basketball program here at Washington University. Fahey has compiled an impressive run as the Bears head coach, going 116-4 over the past four seasons, including four straight national championships.
“Yeah, I guess I never thought of it like that,” said WU senior, Dr. Bryan Ebill. “That is a lot of wins.So, did you see where the Cardinals might trade Drew?”
A 100-foot statue of Fahey is in the works. Plans specify that once the 200-ton bronze monument is complete, they’re going to borrow the crane from the parking hole-er-I mean lot, and they’re going to drive it across Mudd Field to the parking lot of the athletic center where they’ll meet this huge flatbed truck in the parking lot. The crane is going to pick up the monument off of the truck and place it right on top of the AC. Two big flood light will be inserted for eyes. On game nights, one light will glow red and the other green even though Nancy’s eyes are normally.Nancy what color are your eyes?
Chancellor Mark Wrighton had this to say:
Naturally, Washington University bigwigs are just ecstatic about this call. I mean, the referee has been going their way all night. I’m glad to see he finally freaking got one right.
Student Libel can only speculate as to what this statement actually means. Sentence one looks like 4th century politico, but we’re going to do some more background checks on that before we can be sure. Overall, though, I think what Chancellor Wrighton is saying is that, “We’re all just glad that Coach Fahey is on our side. What she’s meant to the program, I mean, you just can’t say enough-you can’t really even put it into words.”
Student Libel asked him to explain this in sportspeak.
“Well, first and foremost, you gotta look at the championships. Coach Fahey has shown that she is just the consummate floor general. Simply put, Fahey knows what it takes to win. She’s a winner. She really knows how to coach.”
Coach Fahey could not be reached for comment but this guy in my Spanish class said that he thought that he heard someone say that they overheard someone saying that they heard that Coach Fahey told the teacher in Spanish that she thought it was a little much.
We here at Student Libel can’t help but agree with the coach. We propose that one stipulation to the deal be added. We recommend a zero-tolerance policy be required for the statue on the roof. If the statue starts reaching down and grabbing people by the throat when they come to watch games, the statue should be banished to the south of the Rio Grande! What’s that? Oh, the statue should be banned to the south of the Red River!
Word on the street is that the password in order to get the statue to leave you alone is something like, “Hey, Fahey” or “What’s up, Fahey?” If the statue has a hold of you and you forget the password, tell someone to climb up onto the top of the AC; on the statue’s ankle is a keypad. Find this keypad. Open the lid. Turn on the power. Turn the key. Flip the second switch from the right. No, your other right. That’s right. See the controller? The code is up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select start.
Look at all those championships.