Web MasterTo the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
An oversized green lizard on a miniature racing cart was smashed by a falling boulder on the Choco Mountain trail Friday afternoon.
The unexpected incident cost the lizard, named Yoshi, and its controller Michael Pospishil a first-place finish at Choco Mountain, the third leg of the Flower Cup circuit.
“I had run the perfect race,” said Pospishil, who fell to third in the cumulative standings after his disappointing second-place finish at Choco Mountain. “That boulder made the difference. If it hadn’t hit me, I could have cruised to an easy victory.”
“It’s a shame to have something so perfect and get fucked up in the end by a stupid rock.”
Anil Gupta, who overtook Pospishil to win the race, pointed to other factors that led to his victory.
“He’s a moron,” said Gupta, who was controlling Toad. “I was right on his ass anyway, and I had three red shells and a star.”
With the victory, Gupta takes sole possession of first place in the cumulative standings with 21 points. Popsicle drops to second with 18.
“He’s just not that good a player anyway,” said Gupta. “It’s okay, really. I’m sure he’s good at other things in life.”
“Just not this.”
According to Mario Kart rules, regulations and laws of physics, a lizard smashed by a Choco Mountain boulder will float for a few seconds in the air, flat as a newly sat-on pancake, until reaching the ground again, at which point the lizard’s regular dimensions and capabilities are restored.
“He always gets smashed by the boulders,” said Gupta.
Joey Regen, who had quit playing earlier because his car kept falling off the side of the mountain, agreed.
“He always gets smashed by the boulders,” said Regen.
Regen controlled Peach, routinely derided by the other players as being “the sissy car,” before throwing his controller across the room in a fit of frustration after being lapped for the second time.
The upcoming and final leg of the Flower Cup Circuit is Mario Raceway, a difficult course that boasts several sharp turns in addition to numerous weird mushroom-like obstacles that serve the same purpose as bumpers in pinball. Nevertheless, Pospishil remained optimistic about his chances of victory.
“I expect to linger in a close second place until the last lap, when the chances are good that I’ll get a star or some red shells with which to anally violate my adversary, thus allowing me to reign victorious,” he said.
“I expect him to linger in a distant, distant eighth for the duration, posing no real threat at any time,” said Gupta.