Ah, the holiday season. A month of pretty lights, temporarily guiltless weight gain and elevated suicide rates. Growing up in Boca Raton, Fla., the absence of snow or anything remotely wintry meant that nothing signaled the coming of Hannukah, Kwanzaa or Christmas. (And I think we all know I’m just living for Kwanzaa!) Well, perhaps that is not entirely true. A stroll through Town Center Mall, the heart of Boca Raton culture and society, would most likely tip you off that a time of festivities was drawing near. The nearly naked boys in boxers and Santa caps outside Abercrombie & Fitch, the techno-remixed versions of “Little Drummer Boy” and “Dreidel, Dreidel” (if only!) and a general feeling of being an outcast even in a city as overpopulated with Jews as Boca Raton-these have all become the symbols of a time meant to embody peace and goodwill toward man, er, mass-produced velour sweatsuits and Apple’s newest version of the iPod that will undoubtedly be outdated in but a few short weeks.
For me, though, I know that the holidays (or any event where gifts will be a necessity) are a-comin’ when I get an itch to break out the weathered scroll at the bottom of my closet that contains what have become my personal mantras, my own dictates from above: The Ten (Divided by Two) Commandments of Gift-Giving. Divinely-inspired or not, these five rules have seen me through the darkest of times, and are the result of many disappointing presents. Some, well many, will tell you to always be appreciative of the fact that someone gave you a gift at all, and that it’s the thought that counts, but I do not ascribe to that school. I’ll tell you if I hate it, and I’ll tell you why. So, after awhile, it just made sense to formulate my own guidelines, which could ensure I would never end another relationship over something as ludicrously uncaring as a cashmere sweater or a free massage.
Read and be enlightened, gift-givers of the world (and note that any presents for me can be sent to this newspaper’s office!):
-Commandment One: Thou shalt not share the cost of a gift with another person unless the expense should warrant such action. The receiver shall determine if such actions are permitted based on a review of tax returns, regular spending habits, and everyday generosity.
-Commandment Two: Thou shalt not give money. You’re not a prostitute working for anyone’s love. Why don’t the bastards just give you a heartfelt card?
-Commandment Three: Thou shalt only give cash if money must be given. Sometimes, as with the elderly in the family, money is really the only thing you’re going to get. If they’re going to be so inconsiderate, inform them that the least they can do is save you the trip to the bank where you’ll have to deposit their checks.
-Commandment Four: Thou shalt not give gift certificates. I mean, really, this is the height of gift-giving laziness. Rather than going to the counter of any given store and asking for a measly twenty-five dollar credit, can’t the discerning shopper take five minutes to actually find a concrete gift?
-Commandment Five: Thou shalt never, under any circumstances, give disposable gifts. This is, by far, the most important prescription. This was really the genesis of the Commandments. Nothing upsets me more than the disposable gift, the present that cannot last you a lifetime. Disposable gifts include clothing, beauty products and food items (which are really just mean for those of heft). What do I want with something I can’t keep, or that I can certainly get for myself? It is the responsibility of the gift-giver to know the intended and bestow accordingly, that is if you want your relationship to last longer than the rapidly melting box of chocolates you gave your “friend” for her last birthday.