Margaret BauerAnd so hell freezes over and the Arbiter goes electoral. I must say that in times like these (and that is in no way a hackneyed reference to post-9/11 fervor), it is of utmost importance that we as proud Americans (and some of us aspiring Europhiles) get into this whole political thing and find something we believe in. And so I pose this question to you, friends and countrymen, what will it be: black or blue?
Naturally, I am referring to the hue of the candidates’ attire. The standard suit, classic and crisp, is a statement of purpose, a window into the soul of the man. Are we going to cast our votes for the badly tailored charlatan or the fashion-conscious contender? There is much to be considered in this realm: designer (Zegna or Hugo Boss), pinstripes, coordinating shirt and tie. I think the clear winner here, and yes I am partisan (please excuse the misappropriated usage of governmental terminology), is black. In fact, I would move for a Constitutional amendment to abolish blue, navy blue especially, and any memory of it. That’s right, folks, I am abolitionist and damn proud of it.
The truth is, navy blue simply does not work in any sense. It is an eyesore which looks wrong in every context. It doesn’t match with anything-not the brown that people attempt to pair it with, and certainly not black, against which it is an obvious monstrosity. And I shudder at the thought of anyone wearing navy blue shoes. Pause here while I purge, please.
Navy blue is plain ugly. I mean atrocious. This is all before you consider the chilling reality that navy blue is an imposter of black, a mere pretender to the throne. It never can be and never will be black, and so it should stop trying. Sure, baby blue is fine: it goes with black. Even periwinkle and cerulean and, dare I say, cobalt. But navy? Don’t ask, don’t wear, child.
When I came to this realization, some time around tenth grade, I rid myself of anything that reeked of the shade. Slacks? Gone. T-shirts? Gone. La Perla garter? Well, you don’t need to know everything about my personal life.
The point here is that we live in an age in which these very vital questions and the answers to them will determine the way we live. Shall we shed the oppressive shrouds of years past, where the melancholic implication of navy blue characterized the milieu we labored under? Or shall we, as enlightened citizens of the world, look toward a future bright with black, a color that will not clash with our yellows, our oranges and our greens. A color we can be proud to wear and say we elected. A color that can be our salvation in even our darkest hours. I say to you, my compatriots: Vote black, vote life!