Dear AE,
I’ve been packing and shopping for weeks in preparation for coming to school in the fall. When I go to the mall, I am lost amid a swirl of style I just don’t understand. Help! What are the dos and don’ts of fall fashion?
-Fashion-Challenged Pre-Frosh
My Darling FCPF:
Navigating the intricacies of trends can sometimes be as perplexing as tracking Madonna/Esther’s latest religious slant. Fear not, though, because I am constantly ruminating on what I like, and especially what I don’t like, about what fashion troubled co-eds are wearing.
First, let’s discuss what I don’t like, because, frankly, that’s what I enjoy. Let’s talk about those damn poofy skirts all the girliest (and, chillingly, non-girliest) of lasses are wearing. I mean, is it a lampshade? Is it granny’s lacey antique? Is it a cheap piece of crap? Hmm. Here’s a hint: they’re not flattering on anyone! Look thunder thighs, throw them out, get a life.
Next on the hit list, let’s think, reluctantly, on those Ugg boots and jean skirts. Sisters, come on! In what parallel universe is the combination of polar preventative and cowboy (un)chic actually plausible? It’s ugly, neigh, fugly. Go to Schnuck’s, buy some gasoline and matches, and have a bonfire. It’s warm… you won’t need sheepskin-lined footwear.
Moving on, let’s not ignore the male species. Are you kidding with those sweatbands sported on wrist and forehead? And what of the “Jewfro” you allow to sprout on your head? You do want to find a little lady to settle down with, don’t you? And those who defy gravity by wearing your collars up-honestly, what in the hell are you doing? Is it cool? Did I miss the memo? Is there some frat boy manual that someone forgot to give me? Fill me in, because I have to know!
Alas, there are just so many more faux pas. The overabundance of Longchamp and Herve bags in the festive colors are atrocious. The fact that people still think it’s okay to buy Kate Spades is also mind-blowing. The wearing of Juicy suits when it is 98 degrees outside. You are wearing something made out of towel material, fools! And lose the Tiffany bracelets and necklaces, already. You know it’s time to be free of your accoutrements when Target is vending knock-offs. Seriously, folks.
And as for the things that I do like, well looks like there simply isn’t enough space. I’m sure you’re heartbroken, or at least somewhat devoid of self-esteem. So go forth FCPF and dress wisely, or else I will hunt you down and give you a makeover. Which might not be a bad idea.
-Cory Schneider