The following was originally posted on blogs.studlife.com on Sunday, live during the Oscars.
Best Achievement in Costume Design
Alexandra Byrne, for “Elizabeth: The Golden Age.”
The First Speech is mercifully and stunningly brief. This bodes well for the rest of the night.
Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
“Ratatoullie”
I’ll confess, I filled this in before they announced it. Although, honestly, I had a last minute crisis of faith that “Surf’s Up” would upset. We know how the Academy loves penguins. Brad Bird is adorable. Two deserving birds have won in a row!
Best Achievement in Makeup
Didier Lavergne and Jan Archibald, for “La Vie En Rose.”
French accents make acceptance speeches endearing and unintelligible.
Best Achievement in Visual Effects
Michael L. Fink, Bill Westenhofer, Ben Morris, Trevor Wood for “The Golden Compass”
I know, we were all hoping “Transformers” would win something, but no dice.
Best Achievement in Art Direction
Dante Ferretti, Francesca Lo Schiavo for “Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.”
Steven Sondheim was clearly never intended for “wrap-it-up” music.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Javier Bardem for “No Country for Old Men.”
It’s the attack of the foreigners! (Finally, the Academy escapes from its incestuous pool.) Bardem has a thick Spanish accent, and one completely unlike the terrifying one of “No Country.” In Spanish, he called out to his mother: “This if for you, mother, [and several other people] and Spain!”
Best Short Film, Live Action
Philippe Pollet-Villard for “Le Mozart des pickpockets.”
Another non-English acceptance speech. The republicans are clearly falling down on the job. The immigrants are here stealing all our jobs!
Best Short Film, Animated
Suzie Templeton, Hugh Welchman for “Peter & the Wolf.”
Prokofiev finally gets his due from the Academy.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Tilda Swinton for “Michael Clayton.”
Tilda is most famous for being unfamous and oddly androgynous. “Oh, no,” she moans at her first moment at the microphone. She then compares Oscar’s buttocks to her agent’s.
Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published
Joel Coen, Ethan Coen for “No Country for Old Men.”
Joel didn’t waste his time at the microphone, since it is cumulative. These guys have at least one more coming.
Best Achievement in Sound Editing
Karen M. Baker, Per Hallberg for “The Bourne Ultimatum.”
I hope I get to see more “Bourne Ultimatum” action at the podium. Hopefully less Seth Rogen action, though.
Best Achievement in Sound
Scott Millan, David Parker, Kirk Francis for “The Bourne Ultimatum.”
I told you there would be more! Let’s cross our fingers for editing. The three sound mixers dedicate their Oscars to the recently deceased Paul Huntzman.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Marillon Cotillard for “La Vie En Rose.”
Excited French English again! Excited bouncing breathless vaguely inarticulate French English!
Best Achievement in Editing
Christopher Rouse for “The Bourne Ultimatum.”
Firstly: Yes! We predicted this at least several times here at StudLife. We are pleased. Although, we would have liked to see what would’ve happened if the fictional character “Robert James,” whom the Coen brothers created, had won. Ethan would have sneaked up in Groucho Marx nose-and-glasses, and feigned a British accent.
Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
“Die F„lscher”
Thanks to the Academy for seeing these movies and picking one through their ridiculous screening process that excludes all reality and other viewers.
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song
Glen Hansard, Markéta Irglová for “Falling Slowly”
Glen says his bit and Marketa steps up when the music blares on. I want to run up and hug her, but I would probably get charged with assault. UPDATE: Marketa has been allowed back on stage to give her thanks! Fortunately, she’s articulate enough to pull it off. She makes the 837th foreign winner to make a quaintly accented and over-excited acceptance speech.
Best Achievement in Cinematography
Robert Elswit for “There Will Be Blood.”
Merited. Enough said.
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score
Dario Marianelli for “Atonement.”
Lovely music in Atonement. Everyone said it would win. It won. I am shocked. Are you shocked?
Best Documentary, Short Subjects
Cynthia Wade, Vanessa Roth for “Freeheld”
Presented to the ladies by troops in Baghdad. Who casted those presenters? They have no charisma. They had one job to do.
Best Documentary, Features
Alex Gibney, Eva Orner for “Taxi to the Dark Side”
This one should have been presented by either someone in a taxi or Robert DeNiro.
Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen
Diablo Cody for “Juno.”
Predicted and predicted. Ms. Cody, with her sprawling arm tatoo, is adorable and dedicates her Oscar to the writers. Like those guys haven’t won enough Oscars as it is.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Daniel Day-Lewis for “There Will Be Blood.”
No! Not Daniel Day-Lewis! Someone pinch me, I must be having-known-this-since-day-one. He’s incredibly articulate, and so quiet and soft it’s hard to believe he could do what he did. Deserved, wonderfully deserved, and bravo for Mr. Day-Lewis, who says he wishes his son and partner H.W. Plainview was accepting the award with him.
Best Achievement in Directing
Joel Cohen, Ethan Coen, for “No Country For Old Men.”
Martin Scorsese’s bemused look at the mention of the brothers’ first amateur film (“Henry Kissinger: Man on the Go) says it all.
Best Motion Picture of the Year
“No Country For Old Men.”
The brothers are back again. They must be bored of it by now. Wait-did Joel just-yes, he yawned.
Excellent Oscars! Fun for everyone! Thanks for joining us here at StudLife for our super-exciting blog-tastic event. And all clocking in under three hours! Sort of. Goodnight, and good luck.
Here are the minute-by-minute updates:
7:20 As we begin, we wonder what Hannah Montana-er, we mean Miley Cyrus-is doing at the Oscars.
7:23 Daniel Day-Lewis is too nice, soft-spoken, and be-earringed to’ve played that heartless character in “There Will Be Blood.”
7:30 Ellen Page is humble and deadpan, just like we knew she would be.
7:36 About four minutes until the show starts, Regis Philben wades his way into the audience, and Jack Nicholson proves that you’re allowed to wear sunglasses inside because the sun never sets on the land of the cool.
7:42 The Oscars, they begin. When has Jon Stewart ever not been funny? And how glad are we that the Writers’ Strike is over?
7:45 “Norbit was nominated! Isn’t that nice? Too often the Academy ignores movies that aren’t good.” Jon Stewart knows he’s funny, and laughs at his own jokes almost as hard as we do.
7:57 Our first Montage! Hooray! Who can live without montages?
8:04 Katherine Heigel is wearing enough make-up to make us really believe her pat, pre-scripted lines about how vastly important face-spackel has been through the ages.
8:09 Amy Adams sings well in a refreshingly un-over-produced song and dance number. We at the office wonder whether she’s lip-syching, since she’s so in tune and we all know we can’t sing, so she shouldn’t be able to, either.
8:24 I’d forgotten Jennifer Hudson existed. She also can’t pronounce Javier’s poor, butchered name.
8:31 Oscars salute to binoculars and telescopes! This montage, which we were just subjected to, is what we would have been subjected to if the Writers’ strike had continued past this hallowed date. Thank god we escaped that bullet.
9:00 Confirmed: the president of the Academy has no comic timing. World shocked.
9:01 Miley Cyrus is back. For some inexplicable reason.
9:03 Obligatory musical number #2. Yawn #12
9:18 Forest Whitaker presents best actress. I love when they show a particularly embarrassing and painfully out-of-context scene, and then cut to the actor, who invariably looks pained.
9:27 Colin Farrel, probably most musically callous person Academy could find, presents touching indie-singer-songwriters from “Once.” They clean up nicely, although Glen Hensard’s guitar could use some TLC.
9:31 Even while saying trite Academy-scripted self-indulgement, Jack Nicholson still manages to sound creepy.
9:34 Long (and we mean long) obligatory “what we’ve picked for the last eighty years to be allowed to be called ‘good movies’ in the form of Best Picture.” We at the office want to see the “should have won” reel.
9:43 In the vein of “who should have won over the years but inexplicably didn’t,” the Academy pulls its “here’s how we’re going to sheepishly atone for that” and gives out a lifetime achievement award to Robert Boyle, Hitchcock’s art director. He was due, even if I didn’t know he was still alive.
9:55 Song and Dance number, #3. The singer isn’t breathy enough for us here at StudLife. We vote a quotient of at least 5.89 percent breathier.
9:59 The only thing that’s aged about John Travolta is his hairline, but, through the miracle of Scientology, he has miraculously remained in, if not in peak, then Saturday Night Sniffles shape.
NOTE: we here at StudLife have been going by the international clocks on our walls, which are all at various levels of veklemptness, including the one which gives ST. Louis time, apparently. We apologize, and are now stepping into our De Lorean to travel back in time. Current correct time: 9:56. Take all times above, and subtract ten minutes, if you are so imclined to be actually minute-to-correct-minute.
9:58 If they continue to encourage the epically untalented Cameron Diaz by letting her do things in front of audiences, when will she ever learn?
10:01 Spike Lee is sitting behind Paul Dano. Spike Lee, until you’ve re-relevanted yourself, please don’t sit behind Paul Dano.
10:02 Everyone’s favorite part of the Oscars! The moment we’ve all been waiting for! It’s finally here! The dead-guy reel!
There was actually one face I didn’t forget died this year. Heath Ledger should be on it for the next few years.
10:09 Amy Adams grins ecstatically and answers her own rhetorical (and obvious) questions about whether music matters by nodding her head, as if letting us in on an important secret.
10:27 Is it just us, or is the sound getting a little wobbly? The music is all out of wack; Harrison Ford sounds like he’s nearly seventy.
10:31 Helen Mirren reminds why she’s fabulous.
10:42 Is Martin Scorsese wearing Joel Cohen’s Groucho Marx eyebrows? Oh, no, those are his.