Carolyn GoldsteinSenior Roksan Hayirel is reading a particularly amusing book for her women’s studies class – a dating manual from the 1950s that offers the young lady a variety of useful tips on how to dress, how to resist the first kiss without damaging her date’s ego and how to avoid the snares of “Lover’s Lane.”
“Things have changed,” said Hayirel. “You look at this stuff now and laugh.”
Although these rigid dating customs may have changed, the pressures on both men and women in dating, sex and relationships can be as restraining as laughably outdated social scripts.
The first move
The genesis of any flirtatious banter, sexual encounter or date – the first move – is something that traditionally falls into the men’s court.
“I’m a traditionalist, I guess,” said freshman Annie Lascoe. “My mom dated a lot and told me to date a lot, too, so I have. If I’m really interested I will [make the first move], but I’ve never felt that interested. Now that I’m older I might be better at it, but it’s nice when the guy does it. I feel like it’s the man’s job.”
For junior Michael Samoszuk, this job is a stressful one.
“The fact that you have to assess the situation, figure out if she’s interested and then make the first move is very stressful,” said Samoszuk.
The pressure to make the first move could tie into stereotypes of men as being sexually aggressive.
“I think at this particular moment in history, masculinity is constructed in such a way that men are expected to be sexually aggressive, and if you’re not sexually aggressive, then you are failing in some way,” said Michael Murphy, who teaches the Masculinities course offered by the women and gender studies program.
According to Dr. Susan Stiritz, a professor of women’s studies, the expectation that men should be the initiators often charges them with the responsibility of instigating sex.
“Women expect men to initiate the sexual act and the woman will not feel entitled to be as active as the man, which puts a lot of pressure on the guy,” said Stiritz. “There’s a lot of pressure to be the one who always has to initiate and decide. But then [women] shouldn’t be called ‘bitches’ for initiating, which is what often happens.”
Some men might welcome the opportunity to let women shoulder this responsibility.
“[Men feel that they have to make the first move] because women won’t do it,” said senior Niarcas Jeffrey. “But if a woman does make the first move, it’s hot!”
The first date
Although a formal date might be a rarity among college students, those who venture beyond coffee at Ursa’s find themselves faced with a slew of pressures.
“There are things we expect from people on first dates that we don’t ever expect from them for the rest of our lives,” said Murphy. “Women, I think, expect that doors are going to be opened for them and expect that men are going to pay for meals. Some men expect that, if they pay for a meal, they’re entitled to sex..First dates, I think, are pathological, frankly. Nobody knows exactly how to behave, and you don’t learn much about anyone on the first date. It’s like very carefully scripted theater.”
For sophomore Kevin Opp, worrying about his date’s enjoyment often compromises his own.
“The guy’s the one who’s supposed to come up with stuff to do and you’re praying she’s going to enjoy it,” said Opp. “I hate that pressure.”
Although Lascoe appreciates it when her date offers to cover the check, she will offer to pay her way. Most important, however, is that her date does not expect sex in return for paying for her meal.
“I took a self-defense class, and we were told that the fact that you have given your time and your presence is more than enough,” said Lascoe.
How do I look?
While men might feel stressed during the date, women might be more likely to stress out in front of the mirror while getting ready to go out.
“Hands down, there’s pressure,” said sophomore Julie Donnell. “I think there’s pressure on both [men and women], but as a whole, girls think and obsess more [about their bodies]”
In addition to scrutinizing their bodies, some women might feel pressure to dress provocatively to gain attention from the opposite sex.
“It was funny,” said Lascoe. “I was getting ready the other day, and I thought, What would happen if I went out in ‘mom jeans’ and a turtleneck? There’s a double standard. If you look trashy, you really don’t look like you or respect yourself. But a lot of girls do feel like they’re expected to dress that way for guys. I try to err on the side of classy.”
A pressure to please might affect a woman’s clothing choices, said Stiritz.
“I think women are given mixed messages. And that’s a way we’re controlled in society. If we’re not sexual enough we’re prudes, if we’re too sexual, we’re sluts.I think girls want to be popular and liked, and when you’re in a sexual culture that’s primarily designed to pleasure men, you’re going to be pressured to display your body.”
Women who wear revealing clothing to attract men have the opposite effect on freshman Nick Skog.
“I actually respond to it in a negative way,” said Skog. “I get annoyed with my girlfriend when she’s wearing a really really short skirt. I think it’s important to show some kind of class.”
The pressure to spend hours perfecting one’s appearance does not affect senior Blake Abrash, who said he spends 20 minutes at most getting ready.
“I’ll put on a button-down shirt, a belt, a nice pair of shoes, maybe deodorant,” said Abrash. “My cologne is long lost.”
This nonchalance, however, may be a manifestation of a pressure that men face – fitting into an image of masculinity. This “studied indifference” helps them avoid the traditionally feminine stereotype of “ornamentation,” said Murphy.
“Most men would say they aren’t having any body image issues, and they’re all lying,” said Murphy. “The trick with most men is to appear as though you don’t have any concern with your appearance. The not appearing to be concerned requires a great deal of effort – which brings a great deal of anxiety.”
The bedroom
Sex presents both men and women with the challenge of performing under pressure.
Magazines boasting headlines like, “How to please your man,” might contribute to this pressure for women.
“[These headlines] have negative implications for women, because they involve giving in,” said Donnell. “But [headlines directed at men] like, ‘How to Keep Your Woman Happy,’ implies sort of a source of pride. The difference between pleasing and making someone happy is night and day. Stories [directed at women] like, ‘How to Make Him Want You’? That’s unnecessary.”
Cultural influences might fuel the attitudes behind such headlines and also lead to a deterioration in women’s ability to fully enjoy sex.
“We’re socialized to please everyone,” said Stiritz. “Girls are supposed to be nice. And another thing is that our culture has grown out of Victorian culture, and Victorian culture believed that women had no sexual feelings. Up until very recently, women have not had permission to be sexual. I’ll have a lot of students say, ‘I don’t need to have an orgasm, I’m happy just to have this cuddling and being close,’ but the truth that women don’t know how to have orgasms.I don’t think that’s the be all end all of relationships, but I think that the orgasm gap does indicate that women don’t know about their sexual response as well as men do, and our society has shaped us that way.”
The desire to please, however, is not exclusive to women.
“[For men] there’s pressure to please women,” said Jeffrey. “Especially if it’s my girlfriend, I want her to be happy.”
Throwing away the script
The pressures that men and women face in their interactions may be due to their adherence to a social script that dictates their actions while limiting their enjoyment.
“The whole romantic script makes us feel like we’re supposed to play these roles that don’t give us room to improvise,” said Stiritz. “We always have much more fun when we improvise than when we just do what we’re supposed to do.There’s just a real stiffness in how men and women talk to each other, and that’s a shame.”
Such improvisation, according to Murphy, is especially present in same-sex relationships, which entail the break-down of rehearsed social scripts that feature the roles of the “ideal man” and the “ideal woman.” This lack of structure, however, generates a new set of pressures.
“I think [same-sex relationships] are more complicated from the perspective that you can assume less,” said Murphy. “In heterosexual relationships, everyone has a script you can fall back on. In same-sex relationships, you don’t inherit a social script that tells you how this is supposed to be, and, more than likely, you didn’t grow up in a family that told you how it was supposed to be. So you get to do an awful lot of invention.”