MazikeenTo the reader: This article originally appeared in Student Life’s annual April Fools’ issue. Please don’t take anything in it as fact. We made it all up.
Student Life staffers experienced a momentary high last week when they noticed newsstands standing empty around campus.
“Papers are flying off the stands!” said Senior News Editor Liz Neukirch. “I just knew that article on the Model U.N. Council would spark some good campus dialogue.”
The word traveled fast among Student Life editors that people were actually picking up the paper.
“I heard the newsstands in Mallinckrodt were empty, and I thought, ‘Wow! Students are really coming to appreciate our coverage of intramural sports and our opinions on the inner-workings of SU,'” said new Editor in Chief Margaret Bauer.
Outgoing Editor in Chief Jonathan Greenberger had another explanation for the phenomenon.
“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: sex sells,” he told staffers. “Some people call our five-inch headlines and sensational stories ‘yellow journalism’-I just call it good business!”
The self-congratulations came to an abrupt halt around 2 p.m., when Student Life General Manager Andy O’Dell found stacks of papers in the trash outside Holmes Lounge.
“I guess that explains why I didn’t see anyone actually reading the paper,” said O’Dell.
He then dug the papers out of the trash and put them back on the newsstand.
“The first few copies were a little smudged from someone’s turtle mocha, but the rest of them were as good as new,” said O’Dell, wiping his hands on his pants. “Yuck, that’s sticky!”
The mood in the Student Life office quickly devolved from jubilation to an overwhelming desire for vengeance.
“We are disgusted and disheartened by the egregious lack of integrity that runs rampant on this campus,” declared Greenberger. “I know! Let’s re-run today’s articles on the front page of every issue for the rest of the year!”
Other staffers contemplated means of retaliation.
“Some groups would turn to violence or petty name-calling in a case like this,” said Forum Editor Justin Ward. “But here at Student Life, we know the pen is mightier than the sword. A well-placed editorial will have the whole campus outraged about this travesty!”
After hearing about the thefts, Washington University police leapt to action.
“Oh, yeah,” said Police Chief Don Strom, holding back laughter. “We’ll be getting to that reeeeal soon.”
As of yet, police have no leads in the case.