Forum explores relationships that hit the skids

Sarah Kliff
STAFF PHOTO

Uncle Joe’s Peer Counseling and S.A.R.A.H. came together Wednesday night to give information and offer advice on what to do when the pain of love is due to more than heartache. The groups co-sponsored a panel discussion entitled “When Love Hurts: A Forum on Unhealthy Relationships,” to increase awareness of relationship problems on campus.

“Abusive relationships at college don’t get talked about a lot,” said Jami Ake, S.A.R.A.H.’s advisor and one of the panel members. “There are a lot of different factors that make it very invisible. Even when it is a big deal, many people think it isn’t.”

Ake, an assistant dean in Arts & Sciences, said that many people do not consider college relationships serious. She also believes that it is a myth that smart women, such as Washington University students, do not let themselves get into these kinds of relationships.

Many situations are also complicated by confusion about what is and is not normal in a romantic relationship. While many find a degree of jealously normal in a relationship, Ake said she believes it is usually a sign of some sort of abuse.

“There is no place for jealousy in a relationship,” said Ake. “If there is jealousy, something is wrong. There is no need to exert power over one another.”

The panel also tackled the difficulty of getting out of an abusive relationship. Panelist Michelle Schiller-Baker, who works at St. Martha’s Women’s Shelter, believes that many people overestimate the ease of leaving abusive situations.

“One of the most difficult things for a woman in an abusive relationship to do is to admit that the person she loves is the person that scares the hell out of her the most,” said Schiller-Baker.

Schiller-Baker emphasized the resources available to students.

“Resources in the St. Louis area are abundant for anyone in an abusive relationship,” said Schiller-Baker. “We are able to accommodate any situation.”

Junior Anne Nelsen, another panelist, emphasized that friends are an important resource in these situations. Nelsen believes that friends must keep trying to help, even if they are turned away.

“Don’t give up,” said Nelsen. “Even if your friend starts ditching you every weekend to hang out with their significant other, don’t give up and stop calling. As hard as it is, keep trying to penetrate the situation. The second it becomes mutually exclusive, that’s when it becomes dangerous.”

Steve Moses, a senior and an Uncle Joe’s peer counselor, hoped that students walked away with a better idea of what their resources are.

“I think it is something on campus that not a lot of people realize is going on,” said Moses, who helped to coordinate the outreach program. “We want people to walk away more aware of things that are going on around them, not even always with significant others, even just with friends. We want to let them know that they have the ability to change situations.”

Senior May Okada, also a peer counselor with Uncle Joe’s, hopes to remind the University community that not only do they have the ability to change things, but they also have the resources.

“If students are in these kinds of situations, we want them to know that they are not alone,” said Okada. “They should know that it is important and does need to be addressed.”

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